The Myth of Balance

I would not categorize myself as a "working mom" (such a misnomer as all moms work their butts off).  My extremely part-time job still allows me to keep Luke at home full-time this year and I do 90% of my work during his nap or after the kids are in bed from the comfort of my own home.  I realize this is a huge blessing and quite a contrast to the set-up most women have.  And let me be clear:  I enjoy what I do, I enjoy having something outside of mom-dom, and I enjoy financially contributing to our income again, however small the amount.

Still, that time has to come from somewhere and, boy, are there days.  They don't come often (but somehow usually coincide with my PMS) but they rear their ugly heads.  Days when I feel like I just can't. catch. my. breath.  Days when the guilt creeps in and I find myself thinking things like, "Brinner/spaghetti/store-bought chicken for dinner again, Heather?" or "Exactly when was the last time you cleaned that bathroom/changed those sheets/mopped that floor?" or "Have you called/texted/email so-and-so recently?  What kind of a daughter/sister/friend are you?" 

I know I am not alone in this nor did those thoughts just begin surfacing with the start of my job.  I don't know of anyone who wears multiple hats that doesn't struggle with this from time to time.

Truth be told, things are going well at the moment and all of the plates are spinning...for now.  But like that post-nasal drip in the back of your throat that signals the cold is coming, I feel like the inevitable ball-dropping is right around the corner (it may even have a name: "the holidays".)  I told David that all it's going to take is one stomach bug or one hard deadline and this precarious situation is going to crumble.  

To better articulate these emotions, I want to share this clip from the movie Mom's Night Out.  It's a very rough cut, so I'm also including a part of the transcript below in case you can't make it through watching all four minutes.  

Ally:  "I failed again. I’ve blown it.  I had a plan…Instead, I can’t.  I can’t get in front of it.  No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give, I’m just…I'm not enough." 

Bones:  "For who?"

Ally:  "What?"

Bones:  "Not enough for who?"

Ally:  "I mean, Sean, the kids, for my mother, God, everybody.  I don’t know."

Bones:  "You.  Not enough for YOU...."

"...Y’all spend so much time beating yourselves up.  Must be exhausting.  Let me tell you something, girl.  I doubt the Good Lord made a mistake giving your kiddos the mama He did.  So you just be you.  He’ll take care of the rest." 

When I watched that movie and heard her say "I can't get in front of it", I literally burst into tears.  I spend too much time feeling that way or feeling that I'm just enough in front of it that I can feel its breath on my neck and its toes at my heels. 

The good news is that I'm slowly learning to push that feeling away.  I'm learning to tell those thoughts where they can go, because the idea that you can do it all and be it all to all of the people all of the time?  Yeah...no.  Something's gotta give.  The goal of achieving balance in your life?  I think it's total crap.  

I think the trick to balance is just making sure you rotate which thing/person gets the shaft.  Then, and this is big, y'all:  Let yourself off the hook.  Replace the negative, false guilt with truth and reason.  Some of my internal dialogue, as an example:   

Audrey gets ripped off by having to ride the bus in the afternoon.  I'm not going to make Luke wait in carpool during his nap time five hours a week.  Besides, she loves it and gets home approximately five minutes later than I could get her there as a car rider anyway.  I miss so many Saturday mornings with the family because of my running.  It's good for your health.  They're only awake for about an hour before you return and it gives David extra time with them.  I should've taken that friend a meal weeks ago.  They still need to eat now.  Make it this week.  I lost my patience with the kids.  But you apologized and asked for their forgiveness.  I'm failing at ABC.  Maybe, but you're nailing XYZ. 

Most of the time no one even notices these trade-offs and balance rotations but me.  And what if they do (and assuming their opinion matters)?  Then I apologize and ask for forgiveness and grace.  The cool thing about that...in addition to appearing human...is that it's easier to extend to others when they need it.  Plus, I feel like I'm making the time that I do have truly count.  If I'm going to shortchange somebody or something, I want it to be justified by focusing and doing the chosen thing well, if that makes sense.  If Luke has to watch a show while I work, I laser-beam and hit it hard so that it's not wasted time.  When the show is over, I turn off the computer, put down the phone, and try to concentrate solely on him.  When David and I get the luxury of a date night, I make every effort to be present and engage.  When I read the Word or pray, all distractions must be removed.  Multi-tasking has its proper place, but I'm trying to remember that less productivity is better when it comes to loved ones.  Perfect balance doesn't exist, so the scale should always tip to the side that has your heart.  

I don't do these things perfectly.  In fact, I'm not even sure I'd say that I do them well at this point.  But I try.  And like good ol' "Bones" said, I pray that God's grace will fill in the gaps and that "He'll take care of the rest."