Quitter

In my last Thankful Thursday post, I alluded to having recently made a decision that I was at complete peace about.  That decision was for me to quit my part-time job.  I will be finished come mid-July and, to be 100% honest, I have discovered that I feel way more relieved than I ever imagined I'd feel.  (And no, the irony that this month's family virtue is "perseverance" is not at all lost on me, but hear me out...)

The internal battle had been going on for quite some time.  I was overwhelmed with all of the hats I was wearing and frequently feeling like I was just not enough.  The company needed someone that could offer more hours and I was barely squeaking out my existing commitment.  I knew that they were repeatedly getting the shaft because I was (rightly so) not willing to work more or put it in front of my other responsibilities.  That tense choice was a constant source of stress.  I was dwelling on and worrying about letting them down nearly as much as I was actually working.  (Hello, my name is Heather Sinyard and I am a perfectionist.)  To have an area of my life that I was consistently giving less than my best was a serious drain.  

The friction got especially tough in May, when both David and I were struggling with full loads.  I reasoned that I couldn't quit during one of the busiest months for me personally.  It wasn't a typical month...of course I had trouble balancing things then.  When the busyness subsided and I still couldn't shake the thought of lightening my load, I started giving my gut a little credibility.  I remember pulling over in a parking lot one afternoon and outlining what my roles and responsibilities were going to be come this August:

Wife
Mother
Daughter
Sister 
Friend
Household Manager (organizer)
Employee
Room Mom for AJ
Room Mom for Luke
PTA Social Media Committee Co-Chair
Co-Small Group Leader
Timber Trek Race Organizer
Runner (another half?)

As if it had a mind of its own, my pen floated to the "employee" line and crossed it off.  I knew what I needed to do.  So, as is my typical MO, I acted immediately...by obsessing over it for several more weeks.  Oh the internal dialogue and pros and cons list that were created in my head!

Eventually, I reached a decision.   All of the reasons I took the job - extra money, something outside of mommyhood, a sense of pride in my work, having something unique to talk about other than the children, offering a different example to the kids by working (which they rarely actually saw me do!) - were no longer enough. I wrestled long and hard about feeling like a quitter (because, as I told David, that's what I was by definition.) It is not in my stubborn nature.  He and others helped me reframe my thinking to the more positive spin of "re-prioritizing." :)

And the truth of the matter is that I was not passionate about doing project management for a web design company.  Sometimes a passion or a call for something can cover a multitude of sins/cons.  (See: drumming up sponsorships for the neighborhood 5K.)  What I AM passionate about is being a good servant for the Lord, wife, mother, volunteer, and friend...all of those other roles that I'd written on my list.  Plus, quite frankly, having time to chat with friends, organize something, blog, read, OR JUST PLAIN CHILL FOR FIVE DADGUM MINUTES while the kids are resting or napping is incredibly appealing.  I mean really.

I do not regret this past year.  It was tough, but I learned a ton and proved to myself that I could do it.  Until I couldn't anymore.  And then I proved to myself that I could make the tough call when I needed to.

Will you please pray for me as I finish out these last couple of weeks and for them as they find a replacement?  These people are more than employers to me...they are sweet friends that have been so supportive and understanding and I want the best for them.  

But in the words of the great philosopher Kenny Rogers, "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run."  (I'm hoping for a little more time and energy for that, too...)