Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho, It's Off to Work I Go

Monday was the start of a new journey for me as I began a project management position with Sideways 8, a friend's web design business.  I'll be working from home for them on a very part-time basis, making sure that things keep rolling on time and on budget as they need to.  

I'm excited about this new venture!  I really like having something of my own outside of mommy-dom that uses my education and skills in a different way (because lawdy, I promise being a SAHM uses management and event planning skills!)  I think it's good for the kids to see me work...and the paycheck won't hurt either!

So far, training has been going well.  As with any new job, there are new systems to learn (how in the world did technology and apps advance this far so fast?!), new people to meet (the other employees and the 25+ active clients), and new lingo to get used to (oh the acronyms!) on top of the actual job tasks.  After my in-person training on Monday (where I accidentally dumped Adam's entire cup of coffee out before he even sat down....true story), I was overwhelmed and had a bit of "oh no, what have I done?!"  By the end of Tuesday's team call, however, I felt a little more competent.  Not a lot, but a little.  As we finish projects and begin working with new clients, it'll become even easier to remember facts and details and establish working relationships being in from the ground up.  

As I continue to get settled in, I need your prayers for my family's (and boss's) patience, my balance/time management, our health, and for me to be a quick study.  My phone and laptop are smoking from all of the updates and new apps I've installed...not at all unlike my brain, actually.  This is exciting, but it's a little scary, especially because it's starting in conjunction with our new semester of co-leading a small group and my new Room Mom roll (didn't I tell you?! I'm IN!) as well as all of the kindergarten adjustments and David's busy travel schedule.  If I don't call you back, return your email, or send you a baby gift until his first birthday, I ask for your forgiveness and grace.  We'll get there eventually and in the meantime, there is coffee and Jesus.  I might even have to switch from decaf for awhile.  

A Kindergarten Update

We're well into week two of kindergarten for Audrey and she seems to still be enjoying it.  The past couple of mornings, she has made remarks like "Mommy, I wish I could stay home with you" and "I wish I didn't have to go to school so early!", but once we get going she is positive about it and doesn't ever say she doesn't want to go.  She comes home full of exciting stories and thankfully has endured my constant questions pretty well.  I can tell they're doing a lot of assessments, which is a relief to me that they're already on the ball figuring out where everyone stands.  

Luke is adjusting to her absence better than I thought and I believe he secretly enjoys running the roost a little...or at least having one less bossy female in his face all the time.  The other day he disappeared into the playroom and was pretty quiet. I called out, "Luke?  Whatcha doin'?" to which he giggled, "Just sittin' in Audrey's chair."  He is never "allowed" to do that when she's home, so he really thought he was getting away with something!  

As for me, I'm handling it pretty well.  I didn't cry the rest of the first week, but had a moment on Tuesday.  She is so small compared to the other kids (even the other kindergarteners) and it just hits me sometimes.  In the morning carpool line we never know where we're going to stop and she sometimes has a bit of a walk to the door.  This particular morning we stopped the farthest away that they allow kids to unload.  She got out and started trekking in and I teared up watching her.  As I kept looking, I saw a familiar little head by the door.  Audrey spotted her too and her face lit up and her hand waved and waved.  It was her buddy Kaelyn holding the door open and waiting for Audrey.  I felt like God was reminding me that she is not alone.  Of course I cried harder, but in a good way.  That precious, kind act made both mine and Audrey's mornings.  

Another thing I've struggled with is the lack of communication from the teacher.  Open House was a complete let down with nothing but a cafeteria menu given to us - no class list, no daily schedule, no specials rotation schedule, no form of contact.  At preschool, her teacher gave us her cell phone number for pete's sake.  I wasn't expecting that by any means, but did anticipate a little more.  I sent an email with some questions on the first or second day (after spending 15 minutes trying to track down her email address) and it took her over a week to respond.  No one, not even the President of the United States of America, should take over a week to respond to an email.  It's rude and it's unprofessional.  Yes, it's insanely busy and overwhelming for teachers during the first week of school.  Yes, she probably received 400 other emails.  But as the daughter of a teacher and a friend to many more, I know that good teachers prioritize communication between school and home.  Especially to newbies like kindergarten parents.  What made it worse was hearing how some of the other kindergarten teachers were apparently excelling in this department.  Oh, you got an email mid-morning every stinkin' day the first week telling you how awesome your baby was doing?  Salt in the wound, man.  Salt in the wound.  

That being said (written?), I finally got a response last night.  It was crazy short and curt and completely ignored my room parent offer, but I didn't care.  At this point I will take whatever I can get.  I am grateful for and hanging on every.single.word.  Maybe that was her plan.  I just wish she knew what an ally and support I could be.  So you're not technologically savvy (which, as a friend pointed out, is unacceptable in the year 2014)? I will put together and distribute a monthly calendar for you because I guarantee the other parents would much appreciate it.  I imagine that they, too, are getting tired of 8pm emails that state (and I quote):  "Your child is to wear _____ (color) to school tomorrow.  We are learning to read the color words.  Please continue to review the color words at home."  (No "Dear Parents" no "Thank you" no "It's been a good week".)  So the parapros aren't in the classes anymore and you're doing this all by yourself?  I will do whatever, whenever, where ever, and however you tell me to.  So you're overwhelmed and overworked?  I will come clean your house at night and massage your feet and read you a bedtime story.  HELP ME HELP YOU.  But you gotta reach out, sista.  

So that's been my biggest and only gripe so far.  David and I agreed, though, that it is conceivable that the teacher could be a horrible communicator and Audrey could still have a wonderful year and learn a lot.  I admit that if I have to choose, I would much prefer the teacher put her effort and energy into teaching, but I also need to know that there is an open channel there.  I don't expect everyone to operate the way I do - lawdy, the human race would've died out years ago from heart attacks.  Still, I hope to see some improvement in this area.  She's been teaching for many years and we've heard positive things from those who know her, so I'm trusting she knows what she's doing.  I just wouldn't mind hearing about what it is she is doing every once in awhile.  It's kindergarten, not middle or high school.  

But we'll supposedly get a ton of info at Curriculum Night next week.  I also joined the PTA Spirit Night committee to have a very low-key link to that group.  I didn't want to overcommit because I'm still holding out hope for room parent position, though at this point, I'm questioning what I'll be getting myself into with this one.  (Side note to hiring employees:  Room parent is a completely valid work experience position on a resume.)

After ranting about all that, I feel like I need to end on a more positive note.  I adore everything I've seen from the administration up there and how huge parent involvement is.  At the first Spirit Night, the response was amazing.  The principal and several APs were there alongside a dozen teachers (including Audrey's who came out from her post scooping ice cream to give her a hug - major points!)  I talked to several of the PTA members and they all agreed that you never have to worry about folks showing up to support the school.  They come out in droves, thank goodness.  I hope to see that more for myself as the year gears up and I get to volunteer in different capacities.  

I know. I can almost hear you: just have patience, Heather.  It's only week two.  Waiting has never been my strong suite, for sure.  Thankfully I've become fairly good at hiding that struggle to the imposing party and playing it cool.  I often recall a quote from a character on one of my favorite shows, Scrubs, "You can't let all your crazy out of the bottle at one time."  

So, in summary, Audrey is handling it like the rock star she is and I'm coping pretty well...or at least, hiding my crazy pretty well.  Because underneath or behind or somewhere surrounding all of this is the main issue:  My baby girl is a kindergartener.  I have less of a say (or even a knowledge of) what goes on in most of her day.  Even deeper than that...she doesn't need me to.  She doesn't need me as much, period.  It's going to take more than a week and a half to get used to that for sure.  I don't know if a Mama ever does.  They just learn to hide it with the rest of their crazy.  

July 2014 Recap

A big chunk of our July was our vacation to New Smyrna Beach, which I wrote about here.  Before that, though, we celebrated the heck out of 4th of July with our annual family reunion at David's great aunt's on Friday, a cookout at my dad and stepmom's on Saturday, and hosting a cookout at our house for the Taylors who were in town on Sunday.  It was really great to see everyone and enjoy the time with so many of our family and friends.  

The next week we had an eye appointment for AJ.  Update: she's improved a lot and the doc adjusted her prescrip a little based on her improved ability to verbalize what looks better.  We'll follow up in September and as long as she's made at least as much improvement, we won't need to patch her weak eye.  We also had dentist appointments for her and me.  Later in the week she had her final gymnastics class and we got to go in and see her doing all of her fancy moves.  She did really well, especially going backwards on the balance beam!  It was a great summer activity and she enjoyed it, but we decided not to continue it for now. 

That week I also completed a mini-makeover in the kids' playroom.  It was one of those rooms that I just wanted up and running when we moved in and didn't give a lot of thought to.  I basically just recreated what was at our other house.  So, I spent some time hunting down a few different additions (two overstuffed chairs for reading, a solar system mobile, a wall decal map I put on a canvas, and a new pennant banner I made for a window treatment) and rearranged the furniture.  It's something than can grow with them a bit better and is a little more functional now.  Other than that, the week was spent frantically packing while also attempting to price items for an upcoming consignment sale.  

After we returned from the beach, I went into major "school-is-almost-here-and-I'm-also-going-to-start-a new job/volunteering at AJ's school/leading small group-and-OH-my-goodness-soak-up-every-second-slash-get-it-all-done-NOW" mode.  Yeah, if you think reading that sentence was stressful, just imagine how it felt being in my head.  

We started by jumping into an office makeover.  We listed the furniture on Craig's List and LESS THAN 24 HOURS LATER someone was picking half of it up.  (They had to wait three days to come back for the other half because the husband was going out of town.)  I was not at all expecting it to go that quickly, so I was literally emptying drawers as they were hauling stuff out to the truck.  I just made massive piles of stuff that spilled out into the foyer and dining room.  This was ONE day after getting back from vacation, so my house pretty much looked like a bomb exploded downstairs for the latter part of the month.  

I immediately set out to do some furniture shopping the next day and, thankfully, by Wednesday, had two new pieces of furniture ordered and most decorations bought.  My budget was mostly limited to what we got for the furniture we sold plus what I figured I would make on this year's consignment sale, so it took some creativity, but I think I'm going to love the finished room.  Pictures and more updates to come, of course.  

That same week Audrey spent one night at her Grandmom and Granddad's by herself and we had Luke alone.  Later that week, she had her 5 year check-up (everything looked great.  The only notable fact is that she's in the 12th percentile for height.  Tiny!) and Luke tagged along so we could get his lungs and ears checked out for his lingering virus.  He was put on oral steroids and an inhaler to use until the nasty cough cleared up.  After our appointment, we met up with David's mom who took Luke so Audrey and I could have our planned Mommy-Daughter date.  We went back-to-school shopping, ate lunch at her choice of a restaurant, shopped at the mall for a first day outfit, threw pennies in the fountain, rode the merry-go-round, and bought a cookie.  It was fantastic.  

On that Friday we went over David's great aunt's (who we call "Granny Joy") house for a swim play date.  Her granddaughter, Gracie (David's second or third cousin?) was also there for the day.  She is ten and Audrey thinks she's the coolest, so AJ had a good time swimming and crafting with her before we all ate lunch. She (or, rather, Granny Joy) had bought a sketchbook and butterfly craft kit for Audrey and matchbox cars for Luke PLUS there were cookies and ice cream for dessert.  They had a blast and did not want to leave!

The weekend came and both kids spent the night at their grandparents' house while David and I worked on getting a few things done.  I painted the office and he put together his new workbench and organized his section of the garage, which was grossly overdue.  Even he admitted he really likes the new neat look.  I'm just happy to be able to find a tape measure or screwdriver when I need it.   That evening we got cleaned up and went out to a very nice dinner at a local restaurant to celebrate our 10th anniversary.  Obviously our trip in May was the big shebang, but we wanted to do a little commemorating close to the actual date.  

The next week my mom came out for a visit on Monday.  It was good to see her, but it was one more reminder of how life will shift once school starts:  No more weekday daytime visits with grandparents for AJ. :( On Tuesday, I put on a "Wacky Water Day" with the kids and set out sprinklers, the kiddie pool, the water table, and a dozen water balloons for each of them.  I let them chase me with water guns and we had such a good time screeching and running around the yard having classic summertime fun.  I was desperate to squeeze as much of that in as possible!

That same afternoon and evening, I got some much-desired one-on-one time with Audrey when Luke spent the night at David's parents'.  It was the longest it had been just the three of us since it had been just the three of us.  I let her dictate the itinerary so we started off the afternoon with a trip to the toy store, then over to the park to ride her bike and meet David for dinner, then home to surprise her with a campout in the family room.  We watched Snow White and ate s'mores before attempting to sleep.  As you can imagine, it was rather uncomfortable and I woke up quite a lot.  (A certain someone who shall remain nameless crept upstairs after Audrey drifted off and got himself a comfy night's rest.)  Still, it was a blast and hopefully something she'll remember for years to come.  The next morning David had to go to work, so she and I hung out.  She chose Waffle House for breakfast and then, after a quick stop at Target for more school supplies, we went to a different park to ride her bike and play on the playground.  We came home and had lunch just before Luke returned.  

The next night we had dinner at a friends' house and did some small group planning with them since they'll be co-leading with us this upcoming semester (Praise God from whom all blessings flow...)  We're excited about starting group back up again, but I'm admittedly nervous about having it on my plate with everything else.  It'll no doubt be easier and more fun to do it alongside another couple, though. 

On the final day of the month, we officially hit our ten year anniversary and I cooked one of David's favorite dinners to celebrate.  The kids made us signs and sang "Happy Anniversary".  Luke asked several times where the cake was and didn't hide his disappointment all that well when he discovered there wasn't any.  We dug out our wedding DVD and all watched it together then looked through our photo album.  It was a great way to culminate all of the celebrating we had done for it and to send out the month.  

So, another fun but busy month.  No major kid updates other than the medical stuff I already wrote about AJ.  I'll try to do a better list of quotes and stories for August's recap.  I'm sure there will be plenty since we're going to have a big kindergartener by then!

Pray for rest - we're all still not fully well from the cold/cough Luke came down with right before vacation.  That plus consignment sale tagging plus the new school schedule is catching up with me.  I would love a few consecutive nights of decent, uninterrupted sleep!   

Have a great weekend!

Kindergarten, Part III: A Letter to My Daughter

In case you missed it, check out Part I and Part II of my therapeutic writing journey about this milestone.  Yes, that's right - three posts just about kindergarten.  I know you're simply shocked by my over-communication and wordiness.  

Dear Audrey,

Tomorrow is your first day of kindergarten, Kid.  You've had a lot of firsts before, but this one?  This one is a doozy.  I don't want you to feel pressured or anything, but this is pretty much the biggest first so far.  And it's probably going to be in the top ten of all time.  I mean, it's school.  Your career for at least the next 13 years.    

But you know what?  You are ready.  I mean really ready.  You will do amazingly well.  You will shock them with your brains and win them over with your humor.  Your manners and kindness will smooth out any bumps you come across.  We have prayed for the right teacher and the right classmates and we know God is going to be with you because He said so: "This is my command - be strong and courageous!  Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord your God is with you where ever you go."  Joshua 1:9

And me?  Well, I'm going to be cheerful and encouraging and ease your fears.  I'm going to stand there and wave with a big smile on my face until I can't see you anymore.  I will take lots of pictures and proudly share them with the many people that love you and are cheering you on.  And then I'm going to go home, crawl in bed, and cry.  Hard.  Because I am going to miss you and the part of my heart that you are taking with you is going to hurt really, really bad. 

This summer has been amazing.  Something shifted in you that caused us to click a little better than we have over the last year and a half or so.  I hate to say I began to like you more, but, well...I began to like you more.  I always love you no matter what, but some seasons are just more full of "like" than others when it comes to family.  And the past 3-4 months had a lot of like.  I don't know if it was because of your age, or you getting glasses, or your new habit of constantly using the word "ma'am", but you have blossomed a lot and I have felt us grow closer.  You don't talk back as much and your need to argue with me on every little thing is dissipating.  Which is great, except that now this is happening.  And I'm really proud of you and I'm really excited for you, but I'm really, really, really going to miss you.  

I'm going to miss your laugh.  No matter where I am in the house, if I hear you giggle, it brings a smile to my face.  I love when we get our "tickle boxes turned over" together.  

I'm going to miss your help.  I think I probably tell Luke at least a half dozen times a day to go ask you to help him open/reach/do something if I'm in the middle of laundry or cooking dinner.  If we're out of diapers downstairs or I can't find my phone or Luke needs his shoes, you are my go-to gal.  

I'm going to miss our conversations.  You talk.  A lot.  And this used to burn up a good chunk of my energy, but now our conversations are less about "cuz why" this and that and more about life and people and what matters and what doesn't.  I treasure our chats and I'll miss your sweet voice filling my days and your surprisingly deep thoughts stretching my inside-the-box ideology. 

I'm going to miss watching you with Luke.  You are such a good big sister.  You two have your moments, but you often tell me Luke is your best friend.  I love watching the fun games you invent with him and the way you cuddle up on the couch to watch a show.  OH, he is going to miss you something fierce.  

I'm going to miss your encouragement.  God has given you the gift of encouragement.  You know just the right words to say to cheer someone up and cheer them on.  There have been so many occasions when I have felt down and frustrated and you offer a simple, "It's okay, Mommy!" that keeps me going.  Even when you don't say anything, you push me to do better and be better because I know your little eyes are on me.  I want to be the best I can for you.  

So tomorrow I'm going to cry and mope and MISS you.  But I will also pray for you all day long.  I'm going to count the minutes until I see the bus coming over the hill and I'm going to be there when you get off of it to hear every good, bad, and in between thing you want to share with me. And with God's grace, we'll do it all over again the next day and the next week and the next year.  You will be out there learning and experiencing and I will be here waiting to help you sort it all out and guiding you as the Lord leads me.  

I know you can do this.  And I don't think I have much of a choice but to let you.  So, you try your best and I'll try mine.  Together we'll figure out a new normal for this new stage and hopefully, prayerfully, we'll be all the better for it.  

I love you more than you will ever know, Sugar.  Go knock their socks off.  

Love,

Mommy
xoxoxo

Sure enough.  It happened just as fast as everyone said it would.  

Marriage is Hard Work...and other marital cliches I can now vouch for

"Marriage is hard work."

I remember the thoughts that would run through my mind when people would say that.  There they would be, humbly admitting a struggle in an attempt to find common ground and I just didn't get it.  I'd nod politely and agree, but would think, admittedly a little too smugly, "No.  It's really not.  Ours isn't, at least."

And then something happened.  Or rather, a lot of somethings.  

We dealt with pain and loss. We dealt with happiness and gain.  We traveled.  We served alongside each other.  We had a child.  Jobs changed.  We made major financial decision and big purchases. Churches changed.  Business trips seemed to last forever.  We had another child.  We tried to sell our house four times and finally moved.  Friendships ended.  Friendships started.  We faced joy and sorrow, ups and downs, ebbs and flows. 

In other words, time passed and LIFE happened.  And as it did, marriage became...well, hard work.  

I remember the day I had the epiphany.  We had just come back from our trip to Seattle and Vancouver.  We had spent five days together and it had been great!  We hadn't fought or argued over anything.  Even still, there was this sinking feeling inside of me that I couldn't push away.  It was the feeling that for two people who had just come back from five days away together without kids, we sure didn't seem to be very connected.  I was starting to understand another cliche I'd heard all my life:

"People change.  He/She is not the person I married."

I always chalked that up to a lazy bunch of bunk.  It was what people said when they wanted out and didn't want to take any of the responsibility.  

But as I thought it through, I realized something: OF COURSE PEOPLE CHANGE.  How can they not?  How can someone encounter new life-altering experiences and not be fundamentally shifted?  Yes, there are always innate traits and in general one's personality is pretty set, but there is a whole lot of wiggle room in there.  Every time a major life event occurs - a birth, a death, a move, a new job, an illness -  it effects everything from your day to day routine to your outlook to your priorities.  Change changes you.  And therefore, it alters your relationships.  It's inevitable and it's rarely avoidable.  What is up to you is whether it'll be for better or for worse.  Then it's up to your spouse to decide if he or she is going to stick out that little tidbit of your vows.

I was oblivious to this at first.  We went through some pretty major shifts in the first years, but somehow we'd bounced back and adjusted pretty well.  Then suddenly, in less than eleven months, we had a second kid, I had a new stepmom, we painstakingly sold our house and bought a new one, and my mom had a lumpectomy.  I kept thinking, "well, things will return to normal when Luke gets out of the demanding newborn and infant stage."  When they didn't, I thought, "Well, we just moved.  It's been a ton of stress and it'll get better after we settle in."  Months ticked by and it finally dawned on me:  Things had changed and we had changed.  The old normal was long gone...and we weren't exactly flourishing in the midst of the new normal.  

For the first time in my life, if I squinted hard enough, I could sort of kind of see how people say they grew apart and fell out of love.  And frankly, it scared me to death.  

So, what did we do?  Well, we started with what I like to call a "comin' to Jesus" meeting.  David and I don't fight much.  There have probably only been about a dozen big doozies in our ten years of marriage, but this was one of them.  Of course it masked itself as something totally different (doesn't it always?) but as we laid in bed in the dark we slowly started sharing truths and deep-seated feelings that hadn't been spoken aloud in far too long.  

Naturally, it smarted a little bit.  But then, slowly, we tried on another marital cliche:  "It's the little things."  

We both started - and I know this is going to sound crazy, so hold on to your seat - putting forth some effort in our marriage.  Not giving each other our end-of-the-day exhausted selves that were worn out from giving to everyone else first.  Not checking out as soon as the kids were in bed and turning to our various screens.  I mean actually starting to behave like our marriage was the crazy important priority that it is.  

It certainly did not come in the form of grand romantic gestures for us.  Instead, it was things like sending a "I'm praying for you" text or the always sexy, "Thanks for taking out the garbage" text.  It was taking two seconds to say a proper goodbye in the morning or greeting each other with a hello kiss.  It meant asking about the other's day and listening to the answer and then staying current and following up.  It meant expressing gratitude and appreciation.  It meant swallowing snarkiness and criticism.  It meant praying for the other person and with the other person.  It meant getting involved with other Christian couples who supported our marriage and leading a small group to hold ourselves accountable.  It meant cutting back on or getting rid of relationships or things that didn't edify our marriage.  

It also meant adding back a regular date night.  That was HUGE for us.  Every break we'd gotten for months had become about finishing a project on the new house.  Those are okay from time to time, but we needed a chance to dress up, go out, look each other in the eyes, and have adult conversations.  We needed to break away and be us.  Not the "us" with kids or bills or to-do lists, but the "us" who have been best friends for 14 years with all of our inside jokes and quirky idiosyncrasies that only we understand.  As one pastor put it, "I have never seen a couple in marriage counseling that was having a regular, weekly date night."  Never stop dating your spouse.  Cliche, yes, but it matters, y'all.  

As I write this I realize how fitting it is that it was a lot of little acts of kindness that brought our marriage back around, because it had been a lot of little acts of unkindness, or it's sometimes-worse cousin apathy, that had gotten us to the state of disconnect that we were in.  We didn't get to that point overnight, and we didn't recover from it overnight either.  But, anything worth having is worth working for.  We're not experts at it by any means, but we're trying.  

I know that what worked for us won't work for everyone.  I know there are people out there who have suffered wounds much deeper and whose disagreements are much more serious and complicated than ours.  I'm not naive.  In fact, having grown up around it, I'm a little more familiar with that reality than I'd like to be.  To those people I would offer this:  FIGHT FOR IT.  Run as fast as you can to a godly Christian therapist and do whatever it takes.  

I realize that some marriages fall apart very loudly and chaotically, but as for most of them?  I think most just quietly starve to death while we're busy investing in every other thing in our own little worlds.  If we put half the effort into our relationships as we do our kids, our jobs, our volunteer positions, our hobbies...heck, even our trashy TV watching and Facebook following...we would be amazed at the results.  At least I was. 

To close, I'll leave you with a quote I heard from a friend:  "When you ask a newlywed couple how things are going in their relationship, they may respond with 'Well, there are good days and bad days.'  When you ask people who have been married a long time, they'll say, 'Well, there are good years and bad years.'"  

Ain't that the truth?  We've had some really awesome years, but we've had a few tough ones as well.  I haven't loved every minute but I've never regretted saying "I Do" to my best friend.  And I also know this:  Marriage is hard work...but OH MY is it worth it.  

Happy 10th Anniversary to My Favorite.  Thanks for thinking me worth the effort. ;)

Kindergarten, Part II

I reread my last blog on this subject and had two simultaneous thoughts (which they say is the definition of a genius, you know, but whatever...) :  1) Calm down.  She's not going off to war.  2) Holy cow, you're way too chill about this.  It's PUBLIC SCHOOL!

So that's where I'm at.  Somewhere in between getting a grip and losing my mind...knowing it'll be okay and knowing it's going to be very tough.  

In an effort to move myself more towards the getting a grip and knowing it'll be okay, I'm trying to sort through what, specifically, I'm struggling with about the situation.  There are just so many dadgum aspects to it that I'm not sure where to begin!

It's not just about putting my daughter into someone else's care for 35 hours a week, though that's certainly a big chunk of it.  It's that I won't be the loudest voice in her life any more.  She'll be exposed to teachers (some of which will be awesome and some of which won't) and peers (again, some good, some bad) who will be pouring into her little mind for hours and hours a day and I am not there to filter any of it.  Most of it will be positive, yes.  But some of it won't.  And I can't control when or how the negative stuff sneaks in.  I can't be in the lunch room or on the playground when some kid says something to her that breaks her heart or tells her what french kissing means or teases her about her glasses.  We have been so careful about what she watches and hears for the last five years and now she'll be surrounded by dozens of sources that we cannot prescreen or turn off.

Add to that worry the worries of practical things.  Will she find her classroom okay?  What if she's hungry at 11am and has to wait two more hours before lunch?  Will she be able to open up her lunch box items?  What if she forgets to lock the bathroom stall door and gets embarrassed?  Will she speak up for herself on the playground?  Will she speak up for others when they need it?  When will the teacher figure out she can read as well as she can and how bright she is? Is she going to be bored all day long?  What if she gets on the wrong bus home?  And that's the "light" stuff.  I can't even let myself go down the mental road thinking about the psychos and sickos that exist in this world.  OH, the worry!

Another part of my struggle is the stupid schedule and calendar.  Her days of waking up at 8:00am and going to bed at 8:30 are about to be over.  We'll have to leave the house at 7:30am every day.  So much for me working out and showering before the kids got up.  Of course she had set days, times, and holidays in preschool, but it was different.  If we wanted to take a long weekend trip to somewhere, we did.  If I woke up one morning and decided I didn't feel like taking her to school, I didn't have to.  (That never happened, but the point is it could have.)  Now I have to consult the school calendar before I make appointments for her.  I have to think about when we want to take our trips based on the holiday breaks.  Sure, we'll probably skip every now and then for our "mental health days" or miss a day or two for family vacations, but the whole truancy thing is really going to put a damper on me deciding what works best for us all the time.  

And finally, I think the biggest struggle of all is my own selfishness.  I just don't want her to go because I want her with me.  Her absence is going to leave a huge hole in my day to day.  Hearing her little voice and giggles, talking to her about big and small things, having her help me with Luke or chores or to find my phone...again.  I'm just flat-out going to miss her.  Achingly, painfully miss her.  To paraphrase my friend Lauren, mothers sacrifice a part of ourselves so that our children can always have a piece of us with them.  It becomes the voice in their head and their base to stand on.  But of course it hurts to amputate part of your heart, and that's exactly what I feel like I'm doing.  

Make no mistake, my children are not my whole world.  I have Jesus and David and friends and hobbies and commitments and soon, a part-time job.  But they ARE the sunshine in my day and the stars in my night.  They are the lights of my life.  And it's time for one of them to share some of her shine with others. 

Trip to New Smyrna Beach 2014

Last week we took our annual vacation down to New Smyrna Beach Florida with David's parents and his mom's side of the family.  The ride down took 8 1/2 hours and half of it was spent navigating through hard thunderstorms, but the kids did a fantastic job.  I'd put together a box for each of them full of activities and books to hold their interest.  That plus a couple of shows and some tablet time saved everyone's sanity and we made it there late Saturday afternoon.

We stayed in a 3 bedroom condo on the beach with David's parents and the rest of the family stayed in a condo building next door, which was about a 2-3 minute walk by beach or by road.  The kids slept in the same room this year (as opposed to last year when we shoved a rental crib in the bathroom for Luke.  Poor second child.)  Audrey was in one of the two twin beds, but we opted to put Luke on an air mattress in the floor.  They both did really well with their unusual surroundings (and light pouring in the windows at 6:30am.  PSA to all you condo owners reading this: invest in good blinds and window coverings!  People want to sleep on vacation!)

Unfortunately, Luke came down with a cold on the Thursday before we left, so the poor guy was not at his best all week.  By Monday, he had passed it on to me and most everyone was feeling a little more sneezy than usual, but thankfully we all bounced back within two days and he was the only one still coughing and snotty.  It didn't seem to bother him too much until nighttime, when he'd get into coughing fits from the drainage.  Even then, though, he only had 1-2 really rough nights and slept pretty well the rest of the week.  

Instead of going into great detail of each day, I decided to do a bullet-point highlight reel.  It takes the pressure and time requirement off of me and, frankly, probably means you'll actually read it all the way to the end.  (Sidenote:  It did take the time requirement off of me until I went to post this and half of it was missing.  Grrrr.)  Anyway, here are some of our favorite things about the trip:

• Flitters!  As has become tradition, David's grandma cooked us flitters several mornings.  If I haven't explained these before, they're kind of a cross between pancakes and biscuits.  David likes his with jelly, I prefer peanut butter, and the kids do syrup on theirs.  However you top them, they are so tasty and a big part of the trip for us!

• Running on the beach.  I didn't go often or far this year, but there is still something wonderful and exhilarating about running beside the ocean.  

• Branching out.  Sometimes when you vacation in the same spot every year, you can get stuck in a rut going to all of the same places.  We definitely didn't this year, though!  We tried a new pizza place (Planet Pizza - pretty good.  HUGE portions), a new bakery (Mon Delice - yummy!), a new restaurant (Lost Lagoon at the airport - delicious burgers and great service), and a new seafood place (Blackbeard's Inn - pretty good.)  

• Watching the kids have such a blast in the water.  Audrey loved the pool, but Luke was more into the beach and digging into the sand.  Both of them really enjoyed jumping waves in the ocean, though (well, Luke if he was in our arms).  I'd hold him and he would keep saying "Go out there, Mommy!" wanting me to go farther and farther into the ocean.  Audrey would hold each of our hands and squeal as we pulled her up just in time to escape them crashing over her.

• Swimming with Audrey, especially when I got out my goggles and could do underwater tea party and races.  She loves the pool!

• A crab hunt!  We even let Luke stay up for this year's.  We went out just as it was getting dark and David's cousin, aunt, grandma, and parents joined us.  David and his cousin would try to catch them in their nets and then dump them in the bucket.  We collected 13 and then released them.  As we were walking back to our condo, a few fireworks went off in the distance.  It was a magical ending to a really fun night.  

• David's golf.  He got to play three rounds with his uncle and Pawpaw.  I know he had a wonderful time!

• A Mommy-Daddy-Daughter Date.  This was the third year of our tradition and it was just as fun as the last two times.  It was raining, so we couldn't do the all-outdoor seating DQ that we've gone to the last two years.  We did manage to find another place that did hot dogs and ice cream and it was delicious.  David and I took turns telling Audrey some of our favorite memories of kindergarten and she loved it.  After she finished her bubble-gum flavored ice cream cone, we splashed our way through puddles and over to the souvenir shop across the street.  We tried on silly hats, hunted for "Audrey" on the million personalized trinkets they had, and let her pick out a shell to buy (yes - we bought a shell at the beach.  There aren't many whole ones on our stretch!)  It was a lot of fun and we look forward to adding a Mommy-Daddy-Son Date next year with Luke.  

• Playing cards with family after the kids were in bed.  Getting out some snacks and gathering around the table for some good gab (the actual game is secondary) is one of my favorite parts of beach trips.  We learned a new one this year called Skip-Bo that will definitely be added to the rotation.  

• A date night.  David and I took an evening off and went strolling around the shops on Flagler and then had a great dinner at Norwood's.  We drove back to the condo and took a short stroll on the beach.  I wonder how many times we've walked those spaces together?  How our conversations have changed over the years!

• Getting to blog.  I wrote 4.5 posts while I was down there, which is more than the entire month of June...and May and April, for that matter!  That plus 2 naps were my goals for this trip and I'm proud to say I accomplished them.  I wish I'd have snuck in a book, but you gotta leave a little room for growth for the next time, right?

• Extra time with extra family.  We got to see David's parents and most of his mom's side, but we also stopped by my Great Uncle Ben and Aunt Bonnie's for a visit and then David's dad's brother came over for two separate visits while he was in Orlando for work.  Great bonuses!  

• Watching everyone enjoy and love on our kids.  I don't think they had a single day without getting a little toy from someone nor were they ever at a loss for someone to entertain and snuggle them.  We so appreciated it!

Another great vacation in NSB is in the books!  Pictures are up and can be viewed by clicking here.