Marriage is Hard Work...and other marital cliches I can now vouch for

"Marriage is hard work."

I remember the thoughts that would run through my mind when people would say that.  There they would be, humbly admitting a struggle in an attempt to find common ground and I just didn't get it.  I'd nod politely and agree, but would think, admittedly a little too smugly, "No.  It's really not.  Ours isn't, at least."

And then something happened.  Or rather, a lot of somethings.  

We dealt with pain and loss. We dealt with happiness and gain.  We traveled.  We served alongside each other.  We had a child.  Jobs changed.  We made major financial decision and big purchases. Churches changed.  Business trips seemed to last forever.  We had another child.  We tried to sell our house four times and finally moved.  Friendships ended.  Friendships started.  We faced joy and sorrow, ups and downs, ebbs and flows. 

In other words, time passed and LIFE happened.  And as it did, marriage became...well, hard work.  

I remember the day I had the epiphany.  We had just come back from our trip to Seattle and Vancouver.  We had spent five days together and it had been great!  We hadn't fought or argued over anything.  Even still, there was this sinking feeling inside of me that I couldn't push away.  It was the feeling that for two people who had just come back from five days away together without kids, we sure didn't seem to be very connected.  I was starting to understand another cliche I'd heard all my life:

"People change.  He/She is not the person I married."

I always chalked that up to a lazy bunch of bunk.  It was what people said when they wanted out and didn't want to take any of the responsibility.  

But as I thought it through, I realized something: OF COURSE PEOPLE CHANGE.  How can they not?  How can someone encounter new life-altering experiences and not be fundamentally shifted?  Yes, there are always innate traits and in general one's personality is pretty set, but there is a whole lot of wiggle room in there.  Every time a major life event occurs - a birth, a death, a move, a new job, an illness -  it effects everything from your day to day routine to your outlook to your priorities.  Change changes you.  And therefore, it alters your relationships.  It's inevitable and it's rarely avoidable.  What is up to you is whether it'll be for better or for worse.  Then it's up to your spouse to decide if he or she is going to stick out that little tidbit of your vows.

I was oblivious to this at first.  We went through some pretty major shifts in the first years, but somehow we'd bounced back and adjusted pretty well.  Then suddenly, in less than eleven months, we had a second kid, I had a new stepmom, we painstakingly sold our house and bought a new one, and my mom had a lumpectomy.  I kept thinking, "well, things will return to normal when Luke gets out of the demanding newborn and infant stage."  When they didn't, I thought, "Well, we just moved.  It's been a ton of stress and it'll get better after we settle in."  Months ticked by and it finally dawned on me:  Things had changed and we had changed.  The old normal was long gone...and we weren't exactly flourishing in the midst of the new normal.  

For the first time in my life, if I squinted hard enough, I could sort of kind of see how people say they grew apart and fell out of love.  And frankly, it scared me to death.  

So, what did we do?  Well, we started with what I like to call a "comin' to Jesus" meeting.  David and I don't fight much.  There have probably only been about a dozen big doozies in our ten years of marriage, but this was one of them.  Of course it masked itself as something totally different (doesn't it always?) but as we laid in bed in the dark we slowly started sharing truths and deep-seated feelings that hadn't been spoken aloud in far too long.  

Naturally, it smarted a little bit.  But then, slowly, we tried on another marital cliche:  "It's the little things."  

We both started - and I know this is going to sound crazy, so hold on to your seat - putting forth some effort in our marriage.  Not giving each other our end-of-the-day exhausted selves that were worn out from giving to everyone else first.  Not checking out as soon as the kids were in bed and turning to our various screens.  I mean actually starting to behave like our marriage was the crazy important priority that it is.  

It certainly did not come in the form of grand romantic gestures for us.  Instead, it was things like sending a "I'm praying for you" text or the always sexy, "Thanks for taking out the garbage" text.  It was taking two seconds to say a proper goodbye in the morning or greeting each other with a hello kiss.  It meant asking about the other's day and listening to the answer and then staying current and following up.  It meant expressing gratitude and appreciation.  It meant swallowing snarkiness and criticism.  It meant praying for the other person and with the other person.  It meant getting involved with other Christian couples who supported our marriage and leading a small group to hold ourselves accountable.  It meant cutting back on or getting rid of relationships or things that didn't edify our marriage.  

It also meant adding back a regular date night.  That was HUGE for us.  Every break we'd gotten for months had become about finishing a project on the new house.  Those are okay from time to time, but we needed a chance to dress up, go out, look each other in the eyes, and have adult conversations.  We needed to break away and be us.  Not the "us" with kids or bills or to-do lists, but the "us" who have been best friends for 14 years with all of our inside jokes and quirky idiosyncrasies that only we understand.  As one pastor put it, "I have never seen a couple in marriage counseling that was having a regular, weekly date night."  Never stop dating your spouse.  Cliche, yes, but it matters, y'all.  

As I write this I realize how fitting it is that it was a lot of little acts of kindness that brought our marriage back around, because it had been a lot of little acts of unkindness, or it's sometimes-worse cousin apathy, that had gotten us to the state of disconnect that we were in.  We didn't get to that point overnight, and we didn't recover from it overnight either.  But, anything worth having is worth working for.  We're not experts at it by any means, but we're trying.  

I know that what worked for us won't work for everyone.  I know there are people out there who have suffered wounds much deeper and whose disagreements are much more serious and complicated than ours.  I'm not naive.  In fact, having grown up around it, I'm a little more familiar with that reality than I'd like to be.  To those people I would offer this:  FIGHT FOR IT.  Run as fast as you can to a godly Christian therapist and do whatever it takes.  

I realize that some marriages fall apart very loudly and chaotically, but as for most of them?  I think most just quietly starve to death while we're busy investing in every other thing in our own little worlds.  If we put half the effort into our relationships as we do our kids, our jobs, our volunteer positions, our hobbies...heck, even our trashy TV watching and Facebook following...we would be amazed at the results.  At least I was. 

To close, I'll leave you with a quote I heard from a friend:  "When you ask a newlywed couple how things are going in their relationship, they may respond with 'Well, there are good days and bad days.'  When you ask people who have been married a long time, they'll say, 'Well, there are good years and bad years.'"  

Ain't that the truth?  We've had some really awesome years, but we've had a few tough ones as well.  I haven't loved every minute but I've never regretted saying "I Do" to my best friend.  And I also know this:  Marriage is hard work...but OH MY is it worth it.  

Happy 10th Anniversary to My Favorite.  Thanks for thinking me worth the effort. ;)

First Comes Love...

In my doctor's office hangs a poster that reads "Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten." It lists fundamental life lessons such as sharing, cleaning up your own mess, and the importance of naps. It's a cute and insightful collection, but I think it's missing one of the most important things we need to remember - a commonly known rhyme that was often sung on the playground: "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage."

Notice the order: Love, Marriage, Baby.

I think it's worth pointing out that it lists love and marriage separately. Do you remember that feeling you had when you first fell in love? How new and exciting everything was? How you couldn't wait until the next time you talked to him or saw her? How electric the first kiss felt? Everything was fresh and wonderful and fun.

Then comes marriage. Now don't get me wrong or get any rumors started! I have a wonderful marriage and am so very blessed. BUT, sometimes marriage means a mortgage and trash night and laundry. It becomes bogged down with discussions centered around finances and children. You completely forget about that rush you used to feel and instead try to refrain from "accidentally" kicking him when you crawl back in bed after a 3am feeding and he is snoring. Or maybe that's just me. At any rate, it's SO important to remember the love that came first.

So, first love. Then marriage. Then baby. Does this mean Audrey is stuck with leftovers? That she gets less because we try to focus on each other first? No, I believe just the opposite. Sure, she is little and depends on us for everything whereas David and I can fend for ourselves. But, the very best thing we can do for her is to put each other first. If we make sure to prioritize our marriage, it goes a long way in helping to create a loving, peaceful home for her to grow up in.

But how on earth do we do it? With my minimal experience, I'm definitely not the right one to ask. We're so new at this and I know it's going to reach a whole new level of difficulty once sports practices, music lessons, and Room Mom responsibilities are involved. (Not to mention...gulp...if we have another child. But it's still waaay too early to discuss that.) So, I did a little research and reading on the topic. Below I've picked the suggestions I liked the best and coupled them with some of our own tips:

• Pray for each other. I try to take moments throughout the day to lift David up in prayer. Taking the time to do so reminds me that he is out there working hard to provide for us. His job may not be as glamorous as changing diapers (wink, wink), but it's stressful and he needs God's help to make it through.
  

• Date. Try to go out alone together once a week. This frequency is difficult even for us to do, and we have family all around to help out. I can only imagine how hard it is if you live far away from loved ones or trusted babysitters. At the very least, aim for once per month. Put it on the calendar so you'll be more likely to make it happen. If you can't leave the house, try to set up dinner or dessert together after the little ones are in bed. And for pete's sake, try not to talk about the kids...much. Yes, sometimes it's a pain to coordinate feedings/naps, but we're always glad we took the break.
  

• Greet each other first. When David comes home from work, it would be easy for him to immediately scoop up Audrey and immerse himself in her adorableness. But instead, he says hello to me first. He takes just a moment to kiss me, ask me about my day, and make me feel noticed. Then, of course, he's all about smothering her with attention.

• Keep the lines of communication open. We are so guilty of putting Audrey to bed and then vegging out in front of the television. We turn out the lights soon after, exhausted, and I realize I didn't ask him about his important meeting or tell him about my phone conversation with so-and-so. Even if it means the shows stay on our DVR a little longer, it's worth taking ten minutes to have a face-to-face discussion about what's going on in our lives.

• Hug, kiss, and hold hands in front of the kids. We want AJ to grow up seeing our affection for each other, even when she gets to be a teenager and pretends it grosses her out.
  

• Get on the same page as parents. Being that I have one five month old, my experience with this is next to nothing so far. Still, I try to run whatever few decisions we need to make by David, even if I know he's going to default to me about most things at this stage. I think it gets us used to talking about stuff and reaching conclusions together before we implement a plan.
  

• Keep pictures of just the two of you around the house. Since AJ is so much cuter than we are, I was tempted to take down all the pictures of David and I and put her cute baby self up everywhere. Of course I replaced quite a few, but I still want her to grow up seeing that Mommy and Daddy were Husband and Wife first who had exciting adventures together. As the comedian Sinbad said "Your parents used to be cool. Then they had you!" She needs to see photographic evidence that we did have lives before she came along!

• Remember the kids will (hopefully) move out eventually. When you're up to your elbows in...ah-hem...poop and you're nursing seven times a day, it feels like you're never going to be finished with this stage of life. But, from what everyone tells me, it goes by so fast. One day the kids will be grown and gone and it will just be you and your spouse left. Therefore, it's really important to do all that you can to ensure that you still know and like that person.

• Spend time in God's Word. I confess, I'm horrible at this right now. But, I know from experience that the better my relationship is with God, the better it is with David.
  

• Laugh together. Have a sense of humor. Don't take it all so seriously. One of greatest things about parenting so far has been all of the hilarious inside jokes David and I have accumulated. We have laughed until we cried (probably because of the exhaustion) over the past few months and it's amazing how close that makes us feel to each other. Not to mention the stress it relieves!
  

I want to reiterate that I'm no expert. I cannot tell you how many times I've already screwed this up. Unfortunately, I know it's going to be an ongoing battle. I think a big key is to be aware of where your marriage stands on your list of priorities and whether that is where it needs to be. I happen to know a little rhyme that can help you with that... :)

Please feel free to comment or email me with things you do to try to keep your marriage first. Especially those of you who have a little more experience to offer!