Kindergarten, Part II

I reread my last blog on this subject and had two simultaneous thoughts (which they say is the definition of a genius, you know, but whatever...) :  1) Calm down.  She's not going off to war.  2) Holy cow, you're way too chill about this.  It's PUBLIC SCHOOL!

So that's where I'm at.  Somewhere in between getting a grip and losing my mind...knowing it'll be okay and knowing it's going to be very tough.  

In an effort to move myself more towards the getting a grip and knowing it'll be okay, I'm trying to sort through what, specifically, I'm struggling with about the situation.  There are just so many dadgum aspects to it that I'm not sure where to begin!

It's not just about putting my daughter into someone else's care for 35 hours a week, though that's certainly a big chunk of it.  It's that I won't be the loudest voice in her life any more.  She'll be exposed to teachers (some of which will be awesome and some of which won't) and peers (again, some good, some bad) who will be pouring into her little mind for hours and hours a day and I am not there to filter any of it.  Most of it will be positive, yes.  But some of it won't.  And I can't control when or how the negative stuff sneaks in.  I can't be in the lunch room or on the playground when some kid says something to her that breaks her heart or tells her what french kissing means or teases her about her glasses.  We have been so careful about what she watches and hears for the last five years and now she'll be surrounded by dozens of sources that we cannot prescreen or turn off.

Add to that worry the worries of practical things.  Will she find her classroom okay?  What if she's hungry at 11am and has to wait two more hours before lunch?  Will she be able to open up her lunch box items?  What if she forgets to lock the bathroom stall door and gets embarrassed?  Will she speak up for herself on the playground?  Will she speak up for others when they need it?  When will the teacher figure out she can read as well as she can and how bright she is? Is she going to be bored all day long?  What if she gets on the wrong bus home?  And that's the "light" stuff.  I can't even let myself go down the mental road thinking about the psychos and sickos that exist in this world.  OH, the worry!

Another part of my struggle is the stupid schedule and calendar.  Her days of waking up at 8:00am and going to bed at 8:30 are about to be over.  We'll have to leave the house at 7:30am every day.  So much for me working out and showering before the kids got up.  Of course she had set days, times, and holidays in preschool, but it was different.  If we wanted to take a long weekend trip to somewhere, we did.  If I woke up one morning and decided I didn't feel like taking her to school, I didn't have to.  (That never happened, but the point is it could have.)  Now I have to consult the school calendar before I make appointments for her.  I have to think about when we want to take our trips based on the holiday breaks.  Sure, we'll probably skip every now and then for our "mental health days" or miss a day or two for family vacations, but the whole truancy thing is really going to put a damper on me deciding what works best for us all the time.  

And finally, I think the biggest struggle of all is my own selfishness.  I just don't want her to go because I want her with me.  Her absence is going to leave a huge hole in my day to day.  Hearing her little voice and giggles, talking to her about big and small things, having her help me with Luke or chores or to find my phone...again.  I'm just flat-out going to miss her.  Achingly, painfully miss her.  To paraphrase my friend Lauren, mothers sacrifice a part of ourselves so that our children can always have a piece of us with them.  It becomes the voice in their head and their base to stand on.  But of course it hurts to amputate part of your heart, and that's exactly what I feel like I'm doing.  

Make no mistake, my children are not my whole world.  I have Jesus and David and friends and hobbies and commitments and soon, a part-time job.  But they ARE the sunshine in my day and the stars in my night.  They are the lights of my life.  And it's time for one of them to share some of her shine with others.