The Idiot/Maniac Mentality

"Have you ever noticed that everyone driving slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?" - George Carlin

You've no doubt heard that quote, especially if you live in Atlanta.  Lately it seems that measure-up mentality has started to creep into other areas of our lives, specifically in the parenting realm.  It's a new spin on the old comparison game.  There has been such an outcry against the over-the-top Pinterest pressure that now the tables have turned.  Not only are we judging those parents that do things we see as "less than", but now we're also quick to call out parents on being excessive when they do more than we deem they should.  In an effort to relieve the guilt we felt from being judged - whether internal, external, real, or perceived - we've turned the judgment on others. 

So as long as I'm hitting somewhere in the middle, I'm winning?  Who is this judge that decides what this perfect balance is? 

See if you can relate to any of these inner dialogues:

• A mom whose house is cleaner than ours must not spend enough quality time with her kids and a mom whose house is messier must be lazy.

• Families that eat all-organic, unprocessed foods are obsessive health nuts and families that eat out five days a week are unhealthy bums.

• The mom that breastfeeds/co-sleeps/baby wears for less time than us gave up too soon, but the mom who does it for longer is creating long term dependency issues.   

• A parent that does more for their kid's birthday party than we would is spoiling them, but a parent that does less than we would is not giving the celebration its due.

• Kids that are involved in more extra curricular activities than our kids are over-scheduled and pushed too hard and those not involved in as many are destined to be anti-social klutzes.  

• The parent that works more hours than we do is too committed to the job and the one that works less is not committed enough. 

Jen Hatmaker, whom I adore, recently posted this article about how "precious" parenting has become in our generation.  There are a lot of points in it that I agree with, such as "...making [children] the center of the universe is actually terribly detrimental.  A good parent prepares the child for the path, but not the path for the child.  We can still demonstrate a gentle and attached parenting without raising children who melt on a warm day." 

But here is my rub with her post:  in the opening paragraph, Jen writes about a mom who made an antique trunk time capsule each year for her son's birthday with the plan to present them all to him when he turned eighteen.  Her response on the subject:  "Holy. Crap.  CANNOT. DEAL."  I admit, that does seem over the top.  But WHO CARES?  We don't know why this mom did it.  Maybe she lost her own mother when she was young and lives in fear of dying an early death so she wants her son to have these mementos just in case.  Maybe she's a college history professor who enjoys collecting and documenting things.  Maybe she owns a museum or an antique trunk business.  I don't know, and frankly, it doesn't matter a lick to me. 

I get the overall point that my dear friend Jen (who has no idea I exist, by the way) is making and I do appreciate it.  But my point is this:  Can we just start figuring out what works for us as individual parents without doing so out of guilt from being torn down OR out of pride from tearing others down?  

A friend and I were texting back and forth about this and she suggested that maybe the judgment comes from a place of defensiveness or even passion about a particular stance.  I totally agree, but that doesn't make it right or healthy.  I am slowly getting over the need to justify my actions to others.  It takes work, but I've been trying to give my answers without following up with detailed reasoning.  "No, we don't watch that show."  "Yes, the kids do have a strict schedule."  "No, we don't do extra curricular stuff right now."  "Yes, we are gluten-free."  See those periods?  They can be really hard for me, but I'm learning that not everyone needs to know why.  It doesn't mean I'm not open to answering questions or having a dialogue, but it does mean I need to quit wasting my breath and energy when it's unnecessary.  

I do believe there are some absolute Truths in this world and I try to live my life in a way that honors them and the God I love.  However, the longer I live, the more I realize there is a whole lot of grey area.  A WHOLE lot.  And also, that there is always more to a person's story than meets the eye.  

So the mom you see in her pajamas in carpool every day cut you off?  Maybe her husband is out of town, she has been up with a sick baby all night, and she's rushing to make it to the first available pediatrician's appointment.  

That daddy hovering over his daughter at the playground?  Perhaps she just got the cast off yesterday.  

That one mom in your kid's class who is hogging all the volunteer opportunities?  Maybe her child struggles terribly with anxiety and separation and it helps for her to be there when she can.  

Your "helicopter parent" neighbor won't allow her kids to do sleepovers?  Maybe she was teased merciless (or worse, abused by a trusted adult) at one as a child.

We are rarely given the whole picture.  This article puts it beautifully and offers more great real-life examples of learning the back story.  She wisely writes: "I truly believe that if anyone should have compassion for parents, it's other parents.  What we really need is support, not judgment." 

Instead of focusing inward and deciding how another parent's actions and decisions may intentionally or unintentionally make us feel about ourselves, may I suggest we instead spend our energy on these steps: 

1) Get to know them a little more in hopes of making an ally instead of an enemy (and maybe even find someone to swap strengths with!) 

2) Flip our mindset to one of encouragement and compassion, not comparison and judgment.  It's healthier for us and them.  

3) Find the thing that works for us and our family in our current season and just GO WITH IT.  No comparing, no justifying, no excusing.  

In other words, and as a perfectly-timed devotional I read recently put it:  You be you.  We are not perfect, but we have so much to offer...sometimes it will be more than what others do, sometimes it will be less, but we don't need to look at a single other soul to determine that.  It is between us and the Lord.  He made us who we are - strengths, weaknesses, and everything in between - and gave us the people in our lives He did for a reason.  Make YOUR contribution to YOUR family and rest in knowing that IT IS JUST RIGHT.