This week is Teacher Appreciation Week. Every year (all three of them thus far...two of which were not even five days long) I think "this Teacher Appreciation Week is not going to be a big deal. We'll just keep it simple and low-key! Do a few small things that pack a big punch!"
Well.
I have baked multiple nights (I barely cook on multiple nights) and, in an effort to avoid more baking, ran around trying to find the perfect blueberry muffin. I have collected money and sent nightly reminders (Don't forget a flower tomorrow! Don't forget a homemade card tomorrow! Don't forget to SEND ME MONEY!) I have answered emails and phone calls, I have shopped for supplies, and I will no doubt shell out a small fortune to cover the gap before it's all said and done. And then, the poor teacher was actually out for two days (so much for a fresh pound cake. Sorry, sister, I ain't making it again)!
So, basically, I've been working hard, spending too much money out of pocket, and running around trying to help people only to have some plans fall apart anyway. My conclusion? I have caught the teeniest glimpse of the life of a teacher this week.
She is so worth it, of course, and I hope that even if she missed two of the days, she felt as loved and appreciated as she is.
A brief report of other news: GF eating/cooking is going well and Luke is still kicking tail in the potty-training department. Keep those prayers coming!
Here is this week's list:
1. Teachers. Obviously.
2. Audrey's amblyopia improvement. She had an eye doctor appointment on Monday and, while I reallyreallyreallyREALLY wanted to get the green light to be finished with the eye patching, alas, she is not there yet. But there is improvement! And that is something! 12 more weeks. We got this.
3. Sweaty workouts. Because I know they're good for me and a great stress reliever.
4. Easter decorations! Out with St. Patrick's Day stuff and in with Spring and Easter. I made the switch yesterday and it's making me smile to see pastel and pretty things around the house.
5. A husband who works his butt off and whose patience is seemingly endless. I know I've mentioned it so many times before but it is worth repeating. When I am completely done with the kids (see: Monday morning. And Monday night. And maybe also last night...) he swoops in and saves all of us from eminent destruction. He's been killing himself at work and hasn't felt well this week, but he's still managing to do a great job holding the title of Best Daddy in the World. God bless him.
Have a great rest of the week, y'all!
Update on New Year's Resolutions
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
So I decided it's time for a (near) quarterly review of my New Year's Resolutions. In case you don't have them memorized (what kind of committed reader are you?!), they were:
1. Get in shape.
2. Read more
3. Implement the monthly virtue lessons in a book titled "In This House, We Will Giggle" to help teach the kids important things we want to pass on but in a purposeful, fun way.
I am kicking tail on one of the three of them. Any guesses as to which one?
Yeah, the second one. AKA, the easiest one of the three. I've read Home is Where My People Are and A Little Salty to Cut the Sweet by Sophie Hudson, Sparkly Green Earrings by Melanie Shankle, and Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker thus far. I still need to finish Best Yes and Hands Free Mama, but I'm super close on both of them so that should count for one whole book, bringing my total for the year to five. Even if you take out my cheating math, that's four! I'm pretty pleased with that.
As for the other resolutions, well...what had happened was...
Seriously, I have had the hardest time getting any traction on the fitness side of things. I'll start exercising and then stop because the weather is bad (I know, I know... go to the gym. I do! I just can't force myself to exercise indoors more than twice a week) or I'm fighting a sinus infection or the weather is bad or we're blindsided with a stupid diagnosis and I find it hard to concentrate and commit to anything else or the weather is bad or I just don't have the time. Plus, I LOVE me some food when I'm stressed. As I mentioned in a previous post, it is one of the great tragedies of my life that I don't lose weight when I'm overwhelmed. There are seasons I would've been 90 lbs soaking wet. Anyway, excuses, excuses, excuses. But also...grace, grace, grace.
I really wanted to have lost 10 pounds by now and, technically, I have. It's just that it's been two pounds off one pound on or three pounds off four pounds on. So I've lost ten pounds...it's just that I've also gained ten (cough, cough...twelve.) But, alas, there is a 10K on the horizon and the renewed motivation of spring a comin' with its less-camoflauging wardrobe.
For the last resolution, (teaching the kids certain virtues), it's going so-so. I'm remembering to change the Bible verses and I bring them up about once or twice a week instead of daily, so I'd give myself a solid "C" on that one. Hopefully the kids won't end up having "C" level morals. (Kidding.) (Not kidding.)
In closing, I leave you and me with a visual reminder of where I was last May in hopes to remind myself of the possibility:
(But if you squint, you can hardly tell a difference, right?)
Oh well. Gotta keep truckin'. Vacation in 11 weeks!
1. Get in shape.
2. Read more
3. Implement the monthly virtue lessons in a book titled "In This House, We Will Giggle" to help teach the kids important things we want to pass on but in a purposeful, fun way.
I am kicking tail on one of the three of them. Any guesses as to which one?
Yeah, the second one. AKA, the easiest one of the three. I've read Home is Where My People Are and A Little Salty to Cut the Sweet by Sophie Hudson, Sparkly Green Earrings by Melanie Shankle, and Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker thus far. I still need to finish Best Yes and Hands Free Mama, but I'm super close on both of them so that should count for one whole book, bringing my total for the year to five. Even if you take out my cheating math, that's four! I'm pretty pleased with that.
As for the other resolutions, well...what had happened was...
Seriously, I have had the hardest time getting any traction on the fitness side of things. I'll start exercising and then stop because the weather is bad (I know, I know... go to the gym. I do! I just can't force myself to exercise indoors more than twice a week) or I'm fighting a sinus infection or the weather is bad or we're blindsided with a stupid diagnosis and I find it hard to concentrate and commit to anything else or the weather is bad or I just don't have the time. Plus, I LOVE me some food when I'm stressed. As I mentioned in a previous post, it is one of the great tragedies of my life that I don't lose weight when I'm overwhelmed. There are seasons I would've been 90 lbs soaking wet. Anyway, excuses, excuses, excuses. But also...grace, grace, grace.
I really wanted to have lost 10 pounds by now and, technically, I have. It's just that it's been two pounds off one pound on or three pounds off four pounds on. So I've lost ten pounds...it's just that I've also gained ten (cough, cough...twelve.) But, alas, there is a 10K on the horizon and the renewed motivation of spring a comin' with its less-camoflauging wardrobe.
For the last resolution, (teaching the kids certain virtues), it's going so-so. I'm remembering to change the Bible verses and I bring them up about once or twice a week instead of daily, so I'd give myself a solid "C" on that one. Hopefully the kids won't end up having "C" level morals. (Kidding.) (Not kidding.)
In closing, I leave you and me with a visual reminder of where I was last May in hopes to remind myself of the possibility:
And, so far, I'm right on track to have that bikini-ready body again this year. Well, almost. Except it's probably gonna come closer to resembling to this guy:
(But if you squint, you can hardly tell a difference, right?)
Oh well. Gotta keep truckin'. Vacation in 11 weeks!
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Thankful Thursday
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Y'all. This is my fourth post this week. That's FOUR posts in FOUR days! If the rest of the year goes to pot, I want you to please remember this streak and give me a teensy bit of credit for it.
I guess I really should find something more productive with my time. I could be the PTA secretary because the current president asked me this week if I would consider it.
...AAAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
If she only knew... Thankfully she did it over email because I would've hated to laugh in her face. David and I both doubled-over cracking up at the suggestion. Since his sweet mama was PTA royalty and I worked at the state office in college, I have a better grasp than most about what it takes to do the job right and it. is. no. joke!
Let me clarify that it's not a preposterous idea. It's just that it's a preposterous idea at this point in my life. Maybe when both kids are in school, but honey, unless you want to be on the 6 o'clock news talking about the crazy woman who lost her mind at a general membership meeting, I'd better respectfully decline. This fall is going to hold double room mom duty plus a committee or two, (probably) leading another small group, working, and, hopefully, putting on a 5K race. And Luke will only have two mornings a week of preschool, which equates to about 6.5 hours if you take out drive time and carpool. Being PTA Secretary is NOT my best yes right now. I let her down gently and I think she took it well.
Okay, on to the list because I don't want to take for granted those of you dedicated readers who have already devoted entirely too much time to this blog in the last few days (Quick question: Do you know where your children are and have you been feeding them? Because I do not want to be held responsible for your negligent behavior!)
1. I don't want to write too much on the subject yet lest I jinx us, but Luke has been a potty training CHAMP this week. Since we have absolutely nothing else on our plate right now, we started the boot camp method on Saturday (straight to underwear, no leaving the house for several days, lots of liquids and then watch him like a hawk and catch him in the act of an accident...no just sitting around on the potty). We thought we'd do that to jump start things and kick off what would likely be a months-long battle, hoping he'd have it down by the start of preschool in the fall. However, he is doing incredibly well and it's been soooooooo much easier than I ever dreamed! ...Okay, that's enough. I'm afraid I've already mentioned too much. More details later after I have a chance to see if it sticks. Until then, please say a prayer and knock on some wood for us!
2. I can go ahead and brag on Audrey, who is taking all of these gluten-free diet changes in stride. Not one single whine or complaint has come out of her mouth! I am so proud of her attitude about it all! She's helping me read labels and double-checking me on stuff, which is completely her personality, but I'm trying to get her to back off a little because I don't want her feeling burdened with it at age five. She's doing wonderfully with it all, though!
3. Big Mama and Boo Mama. Now I'm betting all but one of the six or seven of you readers are wondering who the heck I'm talking about. Well, Big Mama is Melanie Shankle and Boo Mama is Sophie Hudson and both of them are Jesus-lovers, southerners, mamas, bloggers, and book authors. They are not too often deep (or, rather, they hide gems of truth in layers of comedy) but they are always hilarious. My friend Kara introduced me to Melanie by way of her book "Antelope in the Living Room." She sent it to me back in December and I read it quickly, then ordered her other one entitled "Sparkly Green Earrings." Last week I picked up Sophie's (cause, you know, we're on a first name basis) "Home is Where My People Are" and devoured it. Their light-hearted stories and comic relief is just what I need in my life right now. (Sorry, Jen Hatmaker, because I love you too, but Interrupted is going to have to sit on the nightstand a little bit longer.)
I've also been taking a break from my usual sermon podcasts on my morning runs and listening to the one they do together. I have found myself laughing so hard at some points that I can hardly run. It feels like eaves dropping on a conversation between two best friends who discuss everything from their kids' homework to hair spray to musicals to crackers. (And I never accidentally chime in while I'm listening as if they're really on the phone with me, because that would just be weird.) If you're looking for something to spur you on to new spiritual depths, I can't promise they are your gals, but if you need a laugh...and boy, have I lately...they are there for you.
4. These wide leg pants from Old Navy (a recommendation from none other than the previously mentioned Boo Mama.) If, hypothetically, those ten pounds I've been carrying since November have gotten so persistent in their stalking that I've considered a restraining order, well, I'd want a pair (or two) of wide leg pants to help camouflage them. At least until I can put down my mint Oreos and fight back. (Don't forget to look up a coupon if you order some.)
5. 60 and 70 degree weather. Praise God from Whom all blessings flow.
I guess I really should find something more productive with my time. I could be the PTA secretary because the current president asked me this week if I would consider it.
...AAAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
If she only knew... Thankfully she did it over email because I would've hated to laugh in her face. David and I both doubled-over cracking up at the suggestion. Since his sweet mama was PTA royalty and I worked at the state office in college, I have a better grasp than most about what it takes to do the job right and it. is. no. joke!
Let me clarify that it's not a preposterous idea. It's just that it's a preposterous idea at this point in my life. Maybe when both kids are in school, but honey, unless you want to be on the 6 o'clock news talking about the crazy woman who lost her mind at a general membership meeting, I'd better respectfully decline. This fall is going to hold double room mom duty plus a committee or two, (probably) leading another small group, working, and, hopefully, putting on a 5K race. And Luke will only have two mornings a week of preschool, which equates to about 6.5 hours if you take out drive time and carpool. Being PTA Secretary is NOT my best yes right now. I let her down gently and I think she took it well.
Okay, on to the list because I don't want to take for granted those of you dedicated readers who have already devoted entirely too much time to this blog in the last few days (Quick question: Do you know where your children are and have you been feeding them? Because I do not want to be held responsible for your negligent behavior!)
1. I don't want to write too much on the subject yet lest I jinx us, but Luke has been a potty training CHAMP this week. Since we have absolutely nothing else on our plate right now, we started the boot camp method on Saturday (straight to underwear, no leaving the house for several days, lots of liquids and then watch him like a hawk and catch him in the act of an accident...no just sitting around on the potty). We thought we'd do that to jump start things and kick off what would likely be a months-long battle, hoping he'd have it down by the start of preschool in the fall. However, he is doing incredibly well and it's been soooooooo much easier than I ever dreamed! ...Okay, that's enough. I'm afraid I've already mentioned too much. More details later after I have a chance to see if it sticks. Until then, please say a prayer and knock on some wood for us!
2. I can go ahead and brag on Audrey, who is taking all of these gluten-free diet changes in stride. Not one single whine or complaint has come out of her mouth! I am so proud of her attitude about it all! She's helping me read labels and double-checking me on stuff, which is completely her personality, but I'm trying to get her to back off a little because I don't want her feeling burdened with it at age five. She's doing wonderfully with it all, though!
3. Big Mama and Boo Mama. Now I'm betting all but one of the six or seven of you readers are wondering who the heck I'm talking about. Well, Big Mama is Melanie Shankle and Boo Mama is Sophie Hudson and both of them are Jesus-lovers, southerners, mamas, bloggers, and book authors. They are not too often deep (or, rather, they hide gems of truth in layers of comedy) but they are always hilarious. My friend Kara introduced me to Melanie by way of her book "Antelope in the Living Room." She sent it to me back in December and I read it quickly, then ordered her other one entitled "Sparkly Green Earrings." Last week I picked up Sophie's (cause, you know, we're on a first name basis) "Home is Where My People Are" and devoured it. Their light-hearted stories and comic relief is just what I need in my life right now. (Sorry, Jen Hatmaker, because I love you too, but Interrupted is going to have to sit on the nightstand a little bit longer.)
I've also been taking a break from my usual sermon podcasts on my morning runs and listening to the one they do together. I have found myself laughing so hard at some points that I can hardly run. It feels like eaves dropping on a conversation between two best friends who discuss everything from their kids' homework to hair spray to musicals to crackers. (And I never accidentally chime in while I'm listening as if they're really on the phone with me, because that would just be weird.) If you're looking for something to spur you on to new spiritual depths, I can't promise they are your gals, but if you need a laugh...and boy, have I lately...they are there for you.
4. These wide leg pants from Old Navy (a recommendation from none other than the previously mentioned Boo Mama.) If, hypothetically, those ten pounds I've been carrying since November have gotten so persistent in their stalking that I've considered a restraining order, well, I'd want a pair (or two) of wide leg pants to help camouflage them. At least until I can put down my mint Oreos and fight back. (Don't forget to look up a coupon if you order some.)
5. 60 and 70 degree weather. Praise God from Whom all blessings flow.
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February 2015 Recap
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Most of our February can be wrapped up in this post about Luke's birthday and party or this post about Audrey's recent Celiac diagnosis. After all that, there are only about 8-10 bullet points to share with you, but in the interest of being consistent with my recaps (because, let's face it, this blog is nothing if not consistent), here they are:
- David traveled to Ohio for a few days and then California for almost a week at the beginning of the month. As I've said before, we miss him a ton, it's not ideal, and it throws off my exercise schedule horribly, but oh my are things so much easier than they used to be when the kids were itty bitty! I do wish I had some of that energy I used to have to tackle big projects while he was gone. When we were first married, he knew to expect a room to be painted a different color or a closet to be completely reorganized by the time he got home. Now I'm lucky if I make it through a 30 minute show on the DVR before I'm out. (And actually, since it's pre-recorded and I can fast forward through commercials, that actually makes it about 24 minutes...even worse!)
- I dropped off my consignment sale stuff and then hit the huge seller presale a few days after that. I love having that off my to-do list for another few months and can't wait to get the check!
- In between David's trips, we managed to send the kids away to his parents' for a night so we could have a 24 hour date. We went out for a nice lunch and then came home and worked on Luke's big boy bed, finished up a little decor project in Audrey's room, did taxes, went for a run, and patched ceiling nail holes. May it never be said that we don't know how to do it up big without the kids.
- Valentine's Day 2015 was as low-key as it has been for the past couple of years. I made a special breakfast, we gave the kids each a toy and some chocolate candy, and we had heart-shaped cookies. It was nice and easy and I got a beautiful azalea out of the day.
- The weather was stupid. See previous posts for details, but no power for 24 hours makes me realized how spoiled I am...and I'm okay with that. Heat and the use of a refrigerator are important luxuries.
- We went to the circus and the kids loved "The Greatest Show on Earth." I enjoyed it as well, but really found myself more curious at how the audience (and me, to some extent) weren't absolutely amazed by the performances in front of us. I mean, there is a MAN in a cage with a bunch of LIONS, for pete's sake! (And his name is not even Daniel!) There are eight motorcycles going at the same time in a small sphere right before our eyes! And yet we all kinda walked out of there like "Yeah, that was cool! So...where do you want to eat for dinner?" Thanks, YouTube and the internet for overstimulating us to the point that we don't even think phenomenal human feats are all that phenomenal anymore.
- Luke made the move to a big boy full-size bed and is doing great with it! Sometimes in the morning I find him lined up horizontally across the very top as if he's still in his toddler bed, but he'll get used to the space eventually.
- I went to the dentist. (I felt the need to hit my 8-10 bullet point range I promised.) Riveting stuff here, folks. I'd better move on to the kids before I lose you completely...
I only have two cute kid stories for you this month, but I promise they're good (I'm totally not biased):
- I broke off a piece of my Starbucks banana bread to share with Luke one day. He took it and then suddenly got a very concerned look on his face. "Mommy! I think I just chewed one of your teeth!" The nuts along the top edge had caught him completely off guard and he thought he'd chewed up a tooth I broke off in the bread!
- One night as I was putting Audrey to bed, I saw David walk out of Luke's room after putting him down. I said, "Well, we'd better wrap it up or Daddy's going to be looking for me." Audrey replied, "Yeah. We don't want him to have kittens." Confused, I said, "Do you mean 'have a conniption?'" "No, Mommy! Have kittens! It means get upset. It's from one of my Nancy Drew Clue Crew books." Now I was really curious because I'd never heard of such a thing. I turned on the light and, let me tell you, that girl was immediately able to identify which Nancy Drew book out of the 20 she owns she'd read that from and then, within 25-30 seconds, she found the page it was on. So a) I got schooled about what the heck "having kittens" means and 2) her photographic memory is awesome! And scary! But mostly awesome! (Dear Lord, please please let her only remember the times her Mommy was calm, patient, and loving...)
That's all I've got for you for now. Hang on y'all...Spring IS coming! We need the sunshine, the color, and the warmth so badly right now!
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On the Sunny Side of Celiac
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
I was feeling a little guilty about how Debbie Downer my last post was and decided it would be a good exercise for me to write out some of the positive things about our recent Celiac news. I can hear a friend telling me right now, "Just FEEL what you're feeling, for pete's sake"...bless her heart, that was such a freeing concept when I needed it most. And, don't get me wrong, I've not come to terms with this just yet. I just need a little optimism to carry me through right now.
So as I face throwing out/donating this pile this week (not pictured: nearly the entire contents of our freezer plus the kids' medicine cabinet)...
...I'm going to choose to look on the bright side:
1) We discovered it early. Though it feels frustratingly late to me, statistics show that most diagnoses of Celiac Disease don't come until adulthood...with millions going undiagnosed forever. We caught this early enough that she'll never really remember anything different. I'll be able to raise her with the knowledge of how to shop for and cook GF stuff and it'll just be a way of life for her. Five years old is a way better age to deal with this than during the already-tumultuous teenage years.
2) Since we're committed to doing this as family and David and I will be 95% GF at home (we saved some cereals and the like that the kids don't eat anyway), this will mean healthier eating for all of us. Just about everything I've bought that's gluten-free is also organic and contains wonderfully good-for-you ingredients. There's going to be less processed junk filling us up and there's going to be less eating out. All changes for the better!
3) There are so many choices out there. When we first found out, I was completely overwhelmed about the foods this meant AJ would have to give up. Turns out, there are GF options available for just about everything. Now, finding ones that taste good is going to be a longer process, but there are plenty of choices to try. We've actually turned it into a game by rating things and are trying to have fun with it!
4) We are not alone. Audrey has several friends with allergies and is familiar with the concept of having to stay away from certain foods. This will help her feel less ostracized and alone and give us a bunch of resources to pull from as we figure this out.
5) Audrey will feel better. She is already perfect to us, but the inside of her little body is battling against itself and, however mild her GI symptoms are, this will improve them and make her life better on the whole.
No promises that tomorrow's post won't be "5 Ways Going Gluten-Free Has Ruined Our Lives Forever", but for now, we're feeling okay. Thanks again for your continued prayers and support!
So as I face throwing out/donating this pile this week (not pictured: nearly the entire contents of our freezer plus the kids' medicine cabinet)...
1) We discovered it early. Though it feels frustratingly late to me, statistics show that most diagnoses of Celiac Disease don't come until adulthood...with millions going undiagnosed forever. We caught this early enough that she'll never really remember anything different. I'll be able to raise her with the knowledge of how to shop for and cook GF stuff and it'll just be a way of life for her. Five years old is a way better age to deal with this than during the already-tumultuous teenage years.
2) Since we're committed to doing this as family and David and I will be 95% GF at home (we saved some cereals and the like that the kids don't eat anyway), this will mean healthier eating for all of us. Just about everything I've bought that's gluten-free is also organic and contains wonderfully good-for-you ingredients. There's going to be less processed junk filling us up and there's going to be less eating out. All changes for the better!
3) There are so many choices out there. When we first found out, I was completely overwhelmed about the foods this meant AJ would have to give up. Turns out, there are GF options available for just about everything. Now, finding ones that taste good is going to be a longer process, but there are plenty of choices to try. We've actually turned it into a game by rating things and are trying to have fun with it!
4) We are not alone. Audrey has several friends with allergies and is familiar with the concept of having to stay away from certain foods. This will help her feel less ostracized and alone and give us a bunch of resources to pull from as we figure this out.
5) Audrey will feel better. She is already perfect to us, but the inside of her little body is battling against itself and, however mild her GI symptoms are, this will improve them and make her life better on the whole.
No promises that tomorrow's post won't be "5 Ways Going Gluten-Free Has Ruined Our Lives Forever", but for now, we're feeling okay. Thanks again for your continued prayers and support!
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Celiac Disease
Monday, March 9, 2015
As promised in an earlier post, I'm ready to share some news we recently got about Audrey. We've told our immediate families, our small group, and a handful of close friends, but this is the official public statement (doesn't that just sound like we are straight royalty out of Buckingham Palace?!) Here ya go:
The short version: Audrey has Celiac Disease.
The long, long version (go ahead and take a potty break and refill your coffee):
Back in the fall, I was talking to the mom of a girl in Audrey's class who had recently been diagnosed with Celiac Disease. Several of the things she mentioned stood out to me and the conversation stuck around in my brain long after it was over. For weeks I replayed the symptoms her daughter had exhibited and recognized them as traits I'd been concerned about at one time or another in my own child: very short stature without such in David and I, distended belly, yellow teeth, mood swings, fatigue, and some milder GI symptoms that I'll spare you details about. They weren't much by themselves, but together they seemed like a concerning package. I kept brushing it off, even scheduling and then canceling an appointment with a GI doctor at one point.
The holidays came and went, but as things calmed down, I just could not shake it. I told myself I was being a hypochondriac and that, if anyone had an illness, it was me. I was developing that Munchhausens Disease they always talked about on House where someone makes up fake illnesses and symptoms for themselves or a loved one. Finally, I decided it wasn't worth the stress and we'd go get a simple blood test to rule it out. If it was negative, which of course it most likely was because I was just a worrywart, then only David would have to know. Well, and his mom, who had to keep Luke. I may have even fabricated something to her (read: lied) about the dentist raising a concern just to keep my crazy in a can, as if nearly fifteen years of knowing me hasn't already exposed every ounce of my insanity. (SO SORRY.)
So, off to the doc we went. We told Audrey we were just going for some allergy testing, which she's familiar with from friends' and family members' experiences. I brought along a post-it note of jotted-down symptoms and also the iPad with headphones as back-up because no child, especially a little girl, needs to hear her parent raise concerns about how short she is or how big her belly is. She blissfully played a game while I talked through what I was seeing with the nurse and then the doctor. (By the way, why do they always do that? If I tell the nurse everything and then she types it all into the computer, why do I then have to reiterate it all to the doctor when he comes in? Are they checking my story? The nail was in the rear right tire, Mr. Principal...)
Anyway, the doctor was very nice and took the time to hear me out without making me feel like an idiot, which is always a tally in the pro column. He agreed that by itself each "symptom" wasn't much, but together they were cause for concern. He ordered a blood test and we left from there to go get one done while I already had her out of school and Luke taken care of. She cried in my lap while the nurse drew the blood, but she handled it all pretty well and we headed to school in time for my volunteer shift with her class.
The appointment was on a Wednesday and results typically take about a week. Cue the wait and worry and prayer and wait. On Monday, my phone rang and the nurse who introduced herself immediately apologized and told me the results were positive for Celiac Disease. Let's pause now for a definition (insert Zack Morris time-out music):
125.
That's not borderline. That's not kinda-sorta grey area. That's freakin' off the charts. I was shocked.
I tried to take in what else she was telling me. The gist was that they wouldn't diagnose it by blood test alone. They would have to do an endoscopic biopsy for which she'd have to undergo general anesthesia. It would offer a complete diagnosis and also assess the level of damage that had been done. The office would call me to schedule it in the next 48 hours and it would happen in the next two to four weeks.
I got off the phone and hollered out of the room to David (who was taking the day off since AJ was out of school and he'd traveled so much lately) to start a show for the kids. He knew what that meant and quickly got them settled. When he walked into the room a few minutes later, he found a sobbing heap of mess waiting for him. I repeated everything the nurse said through ugly, hot tears and hiccups. I knew this was not the end of the world, but it was a big deal to us in that moment. A great big deal. Not only were we freaking out about the stuff in front of us, but we'd already read enough to know that people with Celiacs are at greater risk for developing a whole host of other autoimmune disorders down the line including Crohn's, MS, intestinal cancers, diabetes, and a myriad of other nasty things. Not to mention that the likeliness that Luke had it as well was very high. This was about more than some dang wheat.
I prayed and cried and read Psalms for a long time that night. It made no sense to me, this stupid thing. This stupid thing that could turn into far worse, stupider things later. Hadn't He heard me begging for the test to be negative as I prayed over her night after night while she slept? For that matter, every prayer I've ever uttered for that child and every wish I've ever made has been for her health. Why didn't He do what I knew He was capable of doing?
I pitched a holy fit the likes of which will remain between me and my heavenly Father, but He heard me and He met me where I was because that's Who He is and that's what He does. Even in my confusion and anger, I felt His peace. I am still not settled on why my precious five year old has to endure this lot. What purpose does this serve? How will this bring Him glory? Can't we strengthen her (and, frankly, my) character and faith some other way? I may never understand this side of heaven, but "when you can't see His hand, trust His heart." And I do. I don't like it, I don't want to...but I do.
We muddled through the next few days and busied ourselves with preparations for Luke's party. The doctor's office called and scheduled the endoscopy and gave us instructions. Soon after, I called my sweet friend Holly Watson, whose husband David performed our wedding ceremony a decade ago. She is a pediatric nurse practitioner who has come to my rescue countless times during this parenting gig. I knew I was taking a shot in the dark to ask her if she'd heard of the doctor, but I called anyway. You can imagine how I felt when she replied, "Oh I love him!" Thank you, Lord. I so needed to hear that stamp of approval and her words of reassurance.
The Monday after Luke's birthday weekend was hard. I almost felt a physical suppression as I unwillingly got out of bed that morning. The distraction of the birthday was over and my teeny hope that the test was wrong was slipping away and being replaced by near-certainty of a positive diagnosis. I felt pretty sure that I looking ahead to a painfully long season of adjustments and work. God put the words of a lady I once attended small group with into my head: "Just do the next right thing." So, I took Audrey to school and then Luke and I hit the gym. I worked out and we ran some errands and dropped off a surprise at a friend's house.
Side note that maybe I'll turn into a whole post one day...When you're going through something, I've learned five great coping mechanisms:
1) Get into God's Word
"Suddenly", the weekend before the procedure arrived. David really wanted us to do something extra fun and special that weekend, so he got us tickets to see the circus. The kids loved it, of course, and even though I wasn't thrilled with the expense (hello Disney World one month ago), I really couldn't be upset since his heart was in the right place...even if clowns are involved. (If we just met, you should know I'm not a fan.) We enjoyed The Greatest Show on Earth and then went to eat the greatest tacos on earth at Tin Lizzy's...trying not to think about how that was yet another place that we'd have to cross off our diet-friendly restaurant list.
We met David's parents for dinner that night and, still blissfully unaware of the dietary restrictions coming her way, Audrey had worked her appetite up to hamburger status and enjoyed every bite. We got home and put the kids to bed and David did some work while I got ready for bed and then caught up on some family phone calls. He came in our room and whispered that the Kirkleys (our co-small group leaders and neighbors) were swinging by to drop some stuff off. I thought they must be doing a little balloon and card for Audrey and didn't think much else about it until I walked into the kitchen a half hour later to discover 4-5 bags of gluten-free groceries. Their daughter has a wheat allergy among many others, so they had gone by the store and picked up a bunch of her favorite gluten-free foods and some flowers for Audrey. I promptly started tearing up because I realized how much people love us and that we are not alone in this. I called Kelly and thanked her profusely for their kindness (not to mention spending their weekly budget on us because gluten-free is EXPENSIVE). We chatted a little bit and she offered to meet me at the store later in the week to give me a lesson on gluten-free shopping. Please and thank you!
Worry - what if she gets something worse because of this? What if Luke has it too? How many more tests and doctor's appointments is this going to mean for her/him?
Guilt - why the heck has it taken us five and half YEARS to get this figured out? At the very least, why didn't I listen to the nudges I felt in the fall? How long has she felt the effects of this? Has she always felt awful and just doesn't know any different? What kind of permanent damage has been done? Her tummy, her height, her teeth...what is irreversibly negatively effected?
Selfishness - this is going to make shopping and cooking even more of a nightmarish chore than it already is. Oh, the changes and adjustments that we're going to have to make are going to be HUGE. And as the family's shopper and cook, the burden is 99% on me. Plus, the expense for the GF items is enormous, too! And will we get to eat out anymore? At least, at anywhere worth eating and without having panic attacks?
Anger - we have gone to every doctor and dentist check-up she was supposed to have since she was born. Why didn't anyone notice anything?
Defensiveness - what if people think this is just the latest diet-craze for us? What if they think we're hippy new-age weirdos who are just jumping on the bandwagon?
and, ultimately,
Sadness - I don't want this for her. It's going to be challenging and burdensome and unfair and...just dang hard. FOREVER. All the doctor's offices and tests and the way she'll feel when she gets "gluttoned" are going to be so rough. She's going to stand out when she wants to blend in and that's crazy difficult. What about the family recipes I won't get to pass along? What about all of the holidays when she can't enjoy our traditional favorites? At the very least, every class celebration, every birthday party, every sleepover, every date with a significant other is now affected. At the very most, much more is at stake should she get another auto-immune disorder down the line. This is the emotion that crushes me. And to think both of my babies may be in this boat...I just get overwhelmed. At a friend's wise words, I'm trying not to pre-grieve these things before we see if she even does, but it's really hard not to do so on her behalf.
In the meantime, here are some resources I'd love for you to check out if you want to find out more:
1) What is Celiac Disease (This whole website is a good, trusted source)
2) Celiac Disease: 10 Things Everyone Should Know
3) Celiac FAQs
"I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."
- Psalm 16:7-8
The short version: Audrey has Celiac Disease.
The long, long version (go ahead and take a potty break and refill your coffee):
Back in the fall, I was talking to the mom of a girl in Audrey's class who had recently been diagnosed with Celiac Disease. Several of the things she mentioned stood out to me and the conversation stuck around in my brain long after it was over. For weeks I replayed the symptoms her daughter had exhibited and recognized them as traits I'd been concerned about at one time or another in my own child: very short stature without such in David and I, distended belly, yellow teeth, mood swings, fatigue, and some milder GI symptoms that I'll spare you details about. They weren't much by themselves, but together they seemed like a concerning package. I kept brushing it off, even scheduling and then canceling an appointment with a GI doctor at one point.
The holidays came and went, but as things calmed down, I just could not shake it. I told myself I was being a hypochondriac and that, if anyone had an illness, it was me. I was developing that Munchhausens Disease they always talked about on House where someone makes up fake illnesses and symptoms for themselves or a loved one. Finally, I decided it wasn't worth the stress and we'd go get a simple blood test to rule it out. If it was negative, which of course it most likely was because I was just a worrywart, then only David would have to know. Well, and his mom, who had to keep Luke. I may have even fabricated something to her (read: lied) about the dentist raising a concern just to keep my crazy in a can, as if nearly fifteen years of knowing me hasn't already exposed every ounce of my insanity. (SO SORRY.)
So, off to the doc we went. We told Audrey we were just going for some allergy testing, which she's familiar with from friends' and family members' experiences. I brought along a post-it note of jotted-down symptoms and also the iPad with headphones as back-up because no child, especially a little girl, needs to hear her parent raise concerns about how short she is or how big her belly is. She blissfully played a game while I talked through what I was seeing with the nurse and then the doctor. (By the way, why do they always do that? If I tell the nurse everything and then she types it all into the computer, why do I then have to reiterate it all to the doctor when he comes in? Are they checking my story? The nail was in the rear right tire, Mr. Principal...)
Anyway, the doctor was very nice and took the time to hear me out without making me feel like an idiot, which is always a tally in the pro column. He agreed that by itself each "symptom" wasn't much, but together they were cause for concern. He ordered a blood test and we left from there to go get one done while I already had her out of school and Luke taken care of. She cried in my lap while the nurse drew the blood, but she handled it all pretty well and we headed to school in time for my volunteer shift with her class.
The appointment was on a Wednesday and results typically take about a week. Cue the wait and worry and prayer and wait. On Monday, my phone rang and the nurse who introduced herself immediately apologized and told me the results were positive for Celiac Disease. Let's pause now for a definition (insert Zack Morris time-out music):
Celiac disease is a genetically linked autoimmune disorder that can affect both children and adults. In people with celiac disease, eating certain types of grain-based products sets off an immune mediated response that causes measurable damage to the small intestine. This, in turn, interferes with the small intestine’s ability to absorb nutrients in food, leading to malnutrition and a variety of other complications. The offending amino acid sequences are collectively called “gluten” and are found in wheat, barley, rye, and to a lesser extent, oats. There is no cure for celiac, but following a strict gluten-free diet can help manage symptoms and promote intestinal healing.
My heart sank as I listened to her explain their findings. They look at something called a TTG level. A normal, non-celiac level is five or less. Audrey's was 125.
125.
That's not borderline. That's not kinda-sorta grey area. That's freakin' off the charts. I was shocked.
I tried to take in what else she was telling me. The gist was that they wouldn't diagnose it by blood test alone. They would have to do an endoscopic biopsy for which she'd have to undergo general anesthesia. It would offer a complete diagnosis and also assess the level of damage that had been done. The office would call me to schedule it in the next 48 hours and it would happen in the next two to four weeks.
I got off the phone and hollered out of the room to David (who was taking the day off since AJ was out of school and he'd traveled so much lately) to start a show for the kids. He knew what that meant and quickly got them settled. When he walked into the room a few minutes later, he found a sobbing heap of mess waiting for him. I repeated everything the nurse said through ugly, hot tears and hiccups. I knew this was not the end of the world, but it was a big deal to us in that moment. A great big deal. Not only were we freaking out about the stuff in front of us, but we'd already read enough to know that people with Celiacs are at greater risk for developing a whole host of other autoimmune disorders down the line including Crohn's, MS, intestinal cancers, diabetes, and a myriad of other nasty things. Not to mention that the likeliness that Luke had it as well was very high. This was about more than some dang wheat.
We got through the rest of that afternoon and evening, each sneaking away for a minute or two with our phones or computers to start looking up as much information on Celiacs as we could. After we tucked them in, we talked and read and researched for hours. We prayed and tried to reassure each other that it was going to be fine. We finally decided to try and wind down with a show, but a sleet and ice storm had moved in and the flickering power made it difficult. David eventually tried to get some rest and I took my Bible downstairs to the cold sunroom and cranked up the heat. It was time for God and I to hash some things out.
I prayed and cried and read Psalms for a long time that night. It made no sense to me, this stupid thing. This stupid thing that could turn into far worse, stupider things later. Hadn't He heard me begging for the test to be negative as I prayed over her night after night while she slept? For that matter, every prayer I've ever uttered for that child and every wish I've ever made has been for her health. Why didn't He do what I knew He was capable of doing?
I pitched a holy fit the likes of which will remain between me and my heavenly Father, but He heard me and He met me where I was because that's Who He is and that's what He does. Even in my confusion and anger, I felt His peace. I am still not settled on why my precious five year old has to endure this lot. What purpose does this serve? How will this bring Him glory? Can't we strengthen her (and, frankly, my) character and faith some other way? I may never understand this side of heaven, but "when you can't see His hand, trust His heart." And I do. I don't like it, I don't want to...but I do.
We muddled through the next few days and busied ourselves with preparations for Luke's party. The doctor's office called and scheduled the endoscopy and gave us instructions. Soon after, I called my sweet friend Holly Watson, whose husband David performed our wedding ceremony a decade ago. She is a pediatric nurse practitioner who has come to my rescue countless times during this parenting gig. I knew I was taking a shot in the dark to ask her if she'd heard of the doctor, but I called anyway. You can imagine how I felt when she replied, "Oh I love him!" Thank you, Lord. I so needed to hear that stamp of approval and her words of reassurance.
The Monday after Luke's birthday weekend was hard. I almost felt a physical suppression as I unwillingly got out of bed that morning. The distraction of the birthday was over and my teeny hope that the test was wrong was slipping away and being replaced by near-certainty of a positive diagnosis. I felt pretty sure that I looking ahead to a painfully long season of adjustments and work. God put the words of a lady I once attended small group with into my head: "Just do the next right thing." So, I took Audrey to school and then Luke and I hit the gym. I worked out and we ran some errands and dropped off a surprise at a friend's house.
Side note that maybe I'll turn into a whole post one day...When you're going through something, I've learned five great coping mechanisms:
1) Get into God's Word
2) Pray without ceasing
3) Do the next right thing
4) Do something small for yourself
5) Do something small for someone else
This became my way of dealing as we ticked down the days until the endoscopy. The thing about having two young kids is that you never have to do much waiting around. Somehow you manage to stay pretty busy whether you want to or not. I very much wanted to, so it worked out just fine.
This became my way of dealing as we ticked down the days until the endoscopy. The thing about having two young kids is that you never have to do much waiting around. Somehow you manage to stay pretty busy whether you want to or not. I very much wanted to, so it worked out just fine.
"Suddenly", the weekend before the procedure arrived. David really wanted us to do something extra fun and special that weekend, so he got us tickets to see the circus. The kids loved it, of course, and even though I wasn't thrilled with the expense (hello Disney World one month ago), I really couldn't be upset since his heart was in the right place...even if clowns are involved. (If we just met, you should know I'm not a fan.) We enjoyed The Greatest Show on Earth and then went to eat the greatest tacos on earth at Tin Lizzy's...trying not to think about how that was yet another place that we'd have to cross off our diet-friendly restaurant list.
That night I got to meet my dear friend Kara who was in town and her sweet sister Meghan for coffee, which was so good for my soul. They listened with open hearts and offered words of wisdom and encouragement like only other moms who know Jesus can. Meghan is a physician's assistant and has a daughter with some medical issues, so she was able to speak to both the medical and the parenting side of things in a unique way. We closed up the coffee shop and I left feeling tired, but better prepared to face the next couple of days.
David and I had agreed to wait and tell Audrey about the endoscopy that Sunday to help ease the length of the anxiety we knew she would feel. We sat her down that afternoon and gave her a very brief overview of the next day's procedure. We tried to give her just enough detail to answer her questions without overwhelming her. We explained that the blood test she'd taken didn't give us all the answers we needed, so the doctor was going to put her to sleep with some medicine and take some pictures of her belly from the inside. It would be quick and painless and we'd be there as soon as she woke up.
She took it better than we expected and was mainly stoked about missing school the next day without having to make it up. She was very bummed about not getting to spend the night at her grandparents' house like Luke was getting to, but we offered her some two-on-one time with us instead of going to small group and she jumped at the opportunity. I'd found a nearby indoor pool and thought that would be the perfect distraction and also serve to wear her out so she wouldn't lay awake worrying that night. The three of us took off to do that and then grabbed dinner afterward at her choice of Applebee's. Her stomach hurt so badly by dinner (I think it was a combination of swallowing air and pool water plus waiting too long to eat but, ugg, who knows...), that she didn't eat much and we headed home for bath. She had a snack before bed and was feeling better as we tucked her in. She fell right to sleep without any trouble, thank the Lord.
The alarm went off at 4:30am for David and I the next morning. We got ready, prayed together, and then woke up AJ around 5:30am. We'd decided not to mention she couldn't have breakfast or drink unless she asked, but she never brought it up. We loaded her into her car seat still in her pajamas and made our way to the doctor's office. We had a little trouble finding it, seeing as how the address of the location wasn't actually the name of the road it was on (c'mon, man!) but thankfully we got there with time to spare.
We didn't have to wait long before we were called back. The nurses were awesome and I fell in love with the no-nonsense-but-friendly anesthesiologist immediately. (I liked her so much that I almost asked her for her number so we could be friends afterward because she was that cool, but I thought that would be a little strange.) Audrey was content to watch a show on the iPad while we went through paperwork and information. The doctor came by and talked with us about the procedure again and we signed more scary documents. Before we knew it, we kissed her goodbye and were ushered back to the waiting room for the most excruciatingly slow 15 minutes of our lives. Seriously, I aged an entire decade in that fifteen minutes. Finally, the doctor opened the door smiling and we exhaled for what must have been the first time all morning. It had gone very smoothly. Thank you, Lord.
He ushered us back into a little sitting area and showed us some pictures he'd taken with the scope during the procedure. My hope momentarily rose as he showed us the clean esophagus and a little beyond it. However, when we got to the stomach picture, he pointed out the dreaded scalloped edges. Even with my very untrained eyes, I knew things didn't look like they should. He told us he was 99.9% sure it was Celiac without even having to get the results back. We'd get a call with confirmation by the end of the week, but there wasn't any question in his mind. He kindly tried to encourage us and told us that this was very treatable and manageable, even reiterating what he'd said earlier about fully expecting there to be a pill that could fix this in the next decade or two. That didn't do much for us in that very moment, but I appreciated his effort.
After a few more minutes, the nurse came to take us back to Audrey who was waking up. I have never in my life seen David's walking pace that quick as he took what must have been three steps to get to her bedside a hundred feet away. She looked tiny in that big bed, but she groggily grinned and tried to sit up. We let her sip some juice while she uncharacteristically chatted and the nurse took the IV line out. She laid there about twenty more minutes before we got her dressed and were able to carry her to the van for the drive home.
Once back at the house, we spent the rest of the day lying around watching TV, playing games, and reading. She ate cheese toast and tomato soup of lunch - more things we'll have to find gluten-free options for (the doc wanted her on a normal diet until he got the results. His words were actually "have a gluten party for the next three nights...it won't hurt her for that little bit longer.") By mid-afternoon, she was getting hard to keep contained, so we changed clothes and she and David strolled by the lake while I took a short run in the neighborhood. The weather was amazing and I needed the stress relief so badly that I actually felt my body relax as I pounded the pavement.
We met David's parents for dinner that night and, still blissfully unaware of the dietary restrictions coming her way, Audrey had worked her appetite up to hamburger status and enjoyed every bite. We got home and put the kids to bed and David did some work while I got ready for bed and then caught up on some family phone calls. He came in our room and whispered that the Kirkleys (our co-small group leaders and neighbors) were swinging by to drop some stuff off. I thought they must be doing a little balloon and card for Audrey and didn't think much else about it until I walked into the kitchen a half hour later to discover 4-5 bags of gluten-free groceries. Their daughter has a wheat allergy among many others, so they had gone by the store and picked up a bunch of her favorite gluten-free foods and some flowers for Audrey. I promptly started tearing up because I realized how much people love us and that we are not alone in this. I called Kelly and thanked her profusely for their kindness (not to mention spending their weekly budget on us because gluten-free is EXPENSIVE). We chatted a little bit and she offered to meet me at the store later in the week to give me a lesson on gluten-free shopping. Please and thank you!
So, later that week, David's mom came over to watch Luke while I met Kelly at the grocery store for a lesson on gluten-free shopping. Going up and down the aisles, we read ingredients and labels like crazy and discussed everything from holiday celebrations to cooking times to birthday parties. It was so, so wonderful to have someone to empathize and lend their expertise. After we finished, she went back to work from home and I headed off to a nearby Walmart that she said had a lot of options and spent another hour there pouring over everything. I drove back to the house just before lunch with my head about to explode, but feeling the teeniest bit more capable.
The next couple of days began to wear on me as time went on without a call from the doctor. Hope is a funny thing, and even though I had mostly wrapped my brain around an official diagnosis, the teeniest part of me thought "well...maybe..." and that part got harder to deal with the longer we had to wait. Of course there was another part of me that was thinking, "Oh no. Maybe it's something else...something worse...and he's not calling because he has to schedule time for us to come in to break the news to us." The torturous games our minds can play are a blast, aren't they?!
By Friday morning I couldn't take it any more and I called the doctor's office and left a voicemail for his nurse. It went something like, "Hi. I know this message is completely futile, but I'm gonna try anyway. Please oh please oh please oh please don't let us go into the weekend without results. Oh pleeeeese." (I took a page out of Luke's Book of Begging and unashamedly used his best lines.)
Thank the Lord the doctor called me back around 1:30pm that afternoon. Unfortunately, he confirmed what I was expecting and that little .01% ray of hope was gone. It is Celiac Disease. He said that her villi showed a "moderate to severe level of damage" and that we should begin a 100% gluten free diet immediately. I asked a few questions, namely whether weaning her off gluten over the course of a week would be okay (yes) and what would happen if she got "gluttened" after coming off of it (it could vary from a little tummy ache to vomiting, but damage would be done to her villi regardless so we needed to make things as "clean as possible" meaning minimize the exposure from cross-contaimination.) He assured me that the body would heal itself over the course of about six months, though, and symptoms would slowly dissipate. I don't know what this means for more permanent symptoms we're seeing, such as short stature (will she have a growth spurt?), but we'll find that out later. We chatted a little more and he said he'd be in touch to line up a consultation with himself and the dietician in the next few weeks. I also asked him to go ahead and put in a blood work order for Luke so that we could get testing for him underway before we began going gluten-free.
He had his nurse fax it to David's office and long story short (fax to scanner to email to printer + David's insane work day = not an easy piece of paper to come by), we were sitting in a Labcorp by 4pm. I was so over all of these diagnostic processes and the accompanying waiting that I was not messing around. Luke was nervous going down there, but handled the actual test like a boss and didn't even whimper. It may have had something to do with the fact that I wised up this go-round and had my phone playing a scene from Frozen for him to watch. The techs taking the blood had a hard time finding the vein and just as I was about to rip it out and do it myself (ya know, with all my formal phlebotomist training), they found the money shot and got the vial they needed. Audrey was actually a little upset that he didn't cry because she had during hers a few weeks earlier. ("How can he not be crying?! He's three! I'm five!") We high-tailed it out of there, went by the the grocery store, picked up a pizza, and came home for Friday night pizza pajama picnic. I may or may not have almost shed a tear over the realization that it would be our last one from our favorite pizza place because they don't have any gluten-free options.
After we'd eaten and Audrey had watched a show, we started another one for Luke and asked her to come into the sunroom with David and me to talk. We had waited as long as we could and knew it was time to tell her so we could be open and honest about the changes we were making. We knew she was intelligent and mature enough to be told the truth and needed to know so she could speak up for herself at school, church, and friends' houses when we weren't there to do so for her. Of course, we didn't want to overwhelm or scare her and tried to walk that line carefully. We were very intentional about saying "Celiac" and not "Celiac Disease" to her as well as making sure we communicated it was something she has, not something she is (i.e. NOT saying she is "a Celiac.")
It actually went very well, which I shouldn't haven been surprise about because a) people were praying for us and b) Audrey is a rock star. My sister-in-law had sent me an incredible kid's book that did all of the hard work for us. Since Audrey's love language is reading, we were able to tell her ourselves, but then let the book answer all of the difficult-to-explain details and kid questions. We also shared how her sweet friend Michelle had brought over some of her favorite foods and how her friends and cousins had been praying for her for the last few weeks. Afterward, she asked about a few things and then closed with "Can I go watch the show now...and will you start it over from the beginning since I didn't get to see that part?" Sure, honey.
So there you have it. Audrey has Celiac Disease. Luke is currently being tested. David and I will also get blood tests in the coming weeks just to be sure.
It's not what we planned and it's not going to be easy. But, like I wrote earlier, I trust God. I trust that He has her best interest at heart. And we're trying to keep perspective. This is nothing compared to the serious medical issues millions of people face every day. It could be so much worse. We know this and are grateful we caught it at all and that it isn't super serious.
Of course, all of that doesn't mean I don't still have feelings about the situation. They have gotten a lot more manageable in the last couple of weeks (see paragraph above about the holy fit), but oh, do I have me some feelings. Pick one:
Of course, all of that doesn't mean I don't still have feelings about the situation. They have gotten a lot more manageable in the last couple of weeks (see paragraph above about the holy fit), but oh, do I have me some feelings. Pick one:
Worry - what if she gets something worse because of this? What if Luke has it too? How many more tests and doctor's appointments is this going to mean for her/him?
Guilt - why the heck has it taken us five and half YEARS to get this figured out? At the very least, why didn't I listen to the nudges I felt in the fall? How long has she felt the effects of this? Has she always felt awful and just doesn't know any different? What kind of permanent damage has been done? Her tummy, her height, her teeth...what is irreversibly negatively effected?
Selfishness - this is going to make shopping and cooking even more of a nightmarish chore than it already is. Oh, the changes and adjustments that we're going to have to make are going to be HUGE. And as the family's shopper and cook, the burden is 99% on me. Plus, the expense for the GF items is enormous, too! And will we get to eat out anymore? At least, at anywhere worth eating and without having panic attacks?
Anger - we have gone to every doctor and dentist check-up she was supposed to have since she was born. Why didn't anyone notice anything?
Defensiveness - what if people think this is just the latest diet-craze for us? What if they think we're hippy new-age weirdos who are just jumping on the bandwagon?
and, ultimately,
Sadness - I don't want this for her. It's going to be challenging and burdensome and unfair and...just dang hard. FOREVER. All the doctor's offices and tests and the way she'll feel when she gets "gluttoned" are going to be so rough. She's going to stand out when she wants to blend in and that's crazy difficult. What about the family recipes I won't get to pass along? What about all of the holidays when she can't enjoy our traditional favorites? At the very least, every class celebration, every birthday party, every sleepover, every date with a significant other is now affected. At the very most, much more is at stake should she get another auto-immune disorder down the line. This is the emotion that crushes me. And to think both of my babies may be in this boat...I just get overwhelmed. At a friend's wise words, I'm trying not to pre-grieve these things before we see if she even does, but it's really hard not to do so on her behalf.
The degree of all of these emotions ebb and flow as does my stress management. I think I'm doing okay with handling everything, but my body sometimes says otherwise. My stomach fluctuates between fine and aching a dozen times a day, my skin looks like a fifteen year old's with all the break-outs, and my emotional eating is causing me to take on weight like a sinking ship takes on water. (I count it one of the great injustices of my LIFE that I am not one of those people that loses weight when I'm stressed out.) Still, I've come a very, very long way in the last couple of weeks and it will get better. IT WILL GET BETTER. As hard as it is to believe right now, this will become second nature to us and we will hit a new normal in a few...months?
One thing I can say for sure is how unbelievably grateful we are for all of the love and kindness that friends and family have shown us since this all began. From mailing us books to buying us groceries to care packages for the kids to texting and calling, we have felt the support. And the prayers - oh the prayers that have been bending God's ears lately on our behalf! Thank you, thank you, thank you. You've made a tough road much easier to walk and I know that support will continue to strengthen us as we navigate our way through this. Please keep up those prayers and we'll be in touch. Maybe we can break some gluten-free bread together soon...
In the meantime, here are some resources I'd love for you to check out if you want to find out more:
1) What is Celiac Disease (This whole website is a good, trusted source)
2) Celiac Disease: 10 Things Everyone Should Know
3) Celiac FAQs
"I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."
- Psalm 16:7-8
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