Too Much & Not Enough

One of my latest reads has been "Wild and Free:  A Hope Filled Anthem for the Woman who Feels She is Both Too Much and Not Enough."  Though I find it a little wordy (I know...pot and kettle and all that), there are some excellent, scripture-based truths in it that I found very encouraging.  It's also made me call to mind one or a thousand times in my own life when I've felt like too much or not enough.

One particular instance took place about four years ago.  I remember his words as if they'd been spoken yesterday.  Our realtor sat beside me at the attorney's office as we waited for the clerk to bring in the last stack of paperwork for us to sign.  We were finally at the end of a hellish seven month journey that had involved going on and off the housing market four times, sometimes just days away from closing. Contract after contract had fallen through and each time left us scrambling to get the house show-ready again while also procuring extensions on the foreclosure we were trying to purchase. I should also mention that it was just two weeks shy of Christmas and we had a three year old and a nine month old.  It was not the easiest season of life.

So there we sat, waiting in the attorney's office when my realtor turned to me and said, "You didn't think about how all of this was affecting the buyers or me or the sellers.  You just got so dogmatic and kept plowing forward without thinking about anyone else's schedule or preferences."  He was referring to that week when closing had changed and how I'd become determined to make it happen and see it through, pulling all strings and cashing in all favors to keep it from shifting yet again.  

Now let me pause here and explain that I adore our realtor and had a great relationship with him.  His wife had been my leader for several Bible studies and his daughter was my friend and co-room mom.  He had fought through the muck and mire of the entire journey with us and been there 24/7 without fail for months.  I would hire him again in a heartbeat.  We were definitely close enough that he had the freedom to speak to me so personally.  But that didn't mean that his words didn't sting.  Badly.

The truth was, I HAD been thinking about everyone else.  Constantly.  I kept worrying about calling my in-laws back to change childcare plans again.  I stressed over David missing work to handle inspections and closings.  I called the moving company and texted the carpet cleaning guy, apologizing profusely over and over for having to change things around yet again.  How could I tell family and friends who were helping us move that we'd have to RE- reschedule?! And of course my children and their needs and adjustments were my primary concern. Would I be able to pull off Audrey's class party?  Could we make it to Luke's check-up appointment?  When and where would he eat and sleep in the middle of all of the craziness this week?  Did I have enough breastmilk in the freezer if I was running late to get him? When/where/how could I pump?  What if I was late to carpool for Audrey?  And HOW could we make sure they didn't miss Christmas and all its festivities in the midst of this?!

So NO, I wasn't really thinking about our realtor, buyers, or sellers.  I didn't have the brain capacity or emotional energy.  Of course I didn't say all this.  I just sat in stunned silence for a moment and then shoved it out of my mind as the clerk brought in the paperwork.  We closed, moved, and managed to adjust just fine with God's grace and favor.

But that conversation marked me in a major way.  (Clearly, since I'm writing about it over four years later.) I wasn't putting the people first that he deemed the highest priorities, but that didn't mean I was wrong.  I learned an important lesson that day:  For some people, you will always be either too much or not enough...or both.    

There are people at church that feel I don't volunteer enough and people on some boards that wish I would take on more. ("NOT ENOUGH!")  Conversely, it's a rare week that goes by that someone doesn't make a joke about my type-A personality or perfectionist tendencies.  ("TOO MUCH!")  

Here is what I'm slowly learning with age:  the sooner you get over the fear of being too much/not enough for people and become confident in your calling, priorities, and methods, the better off you'll be.  Of course you should prayerfully evaluate from time to time and check in with your spouse and family to make sure you're on the right track.  But when you're there, you'll know it.  You will feel freer, act happier, and be healthier in all areas of your life. 

I'm certainly not 100% there 100% of the time yet, but I'm a lot closer than I was four years ago.  And that feels just right to me.

"You are not 'too much' for His love and grace, and you have never been 'not enough' for His affection and devotion.  It isn't your goodness that drew Him to you, and God's love isn't dependent on your ability to stay inside the lines and hold it all together." - Wild and Free

And praise the Lord for that!

P.S.  If you want to read more (and why wouldn't you?!), check out this post I wrote a few years back on a similar topic.  Turns out this is a lesson I'll probably never get too much of. ;)