First Comes Love...

In my doctor's office hangs a poster that reads "Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten." It lists fundamental life lessons such as sharing, cleaning up your own mess, and the importance of naps. It's a cute and insightful collection, but I think it's missing one of the most important things we need to remember - a commonly known rhyme that was often sung on the playground: "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage."

Notice the order: Love, Marriage, Baby.

I think it's worth pointing out that it lists love and marriage separately. Do you remember that feeling you had when you first fell in love? How new and exciting everything was? How you couldn't wait until the next time you talked to him or saw her? How electric the first kiss felt? Everything was fresh and wonderful and fun.

Then comes marriage. Now don't get me wrong or get any rumors started! I have a wonderful marriage and am so very blessed. BUT, sometimes marriage means a mortgage and trash night and laundry. It becomes bogged down with discussions centered around finances and children. You completely forget about that rush you used to feel and instead try to refrain from "accidentally" kicking him when you crawl back in bed after a 3am feeding and he is snoring. Or maybe that's just me. At any rate, it's SO important to remember the love that came first.

So, first love. Then marriage. Then baby. Does this mean Audrey is stuck with leftovers? That she gets less because we try to focus on each other first? No, I believe just the opposite. Sure, she is little and depends on us for everything whereas David and I can fend for ourselves. But, the very best thing we can do for her is to put each other first. If we make sure to prioritize our marriage, it goes a long way in helping to create a loving, peaceful home for her to grow up in.

But how on earth do we do it? With my minimal experience, I'm definitely not the right one to ask. We're so new at this and I know it's going to reach a whole new level of difficulty once sports practices, music lessons, and Room Mom responsibilities are involved. (Not to mention...gulp...if we have another child. But it's still waaay too early to discuss that.) So, I did a little research and reading on the topic. Below I've picked the suggestions I liked the best and coupled them with some of our own tips:

• Pray for each other. I try to take moments throughout the day to lift David up in prayer. Taking the time to do so reminds me that he is out there working hard to provide for us. His job may not be as glamorous as changing diapers (wink, wink), but it's stressful and he needs God's help to make it through.
  

• Date. Try to go out alone together once a week. This frequency is difficult even for us to do, and we have family all around to help out. I can only imagine how hard it is if you live far away from loved ones or trusted babysitters. At the very least, aim for once per month. Put it on the calendar so you'll be more likely to make it happen. If you can't leave the house, try to set up dinner or dessert together after the little ones are in bed. And for pete's sake, try not to talk about the kids...much. Yes, sometimes it's a pain to coordinate feedings/naps, but we're always glad we took the break.
  

• Greet each other first. When David comes home from work, it would be easy for him to immediately scoop up Audrey and immerse himself in her adorableness. But instead, he says hello to me first. He takes just a moment to kiss me, ask me about my day, and make me feel noticed. Then, of course, he's all about smothering her with attention.

• Keep the lines of communication open. We are so guilty of putting Audrey to bed and then vegging out in front of the television. We turn out the lights soon after, exhausted, and I realize I didn't ask him about his important meeting or tell him about my phone conversation with so-and-so. Even if it means the shows stay on our DVR a little longer, it's worth taking ten minutes to have a face-to-face discussion about what's going on in our lives.

• Hug, kiss, and hold hands in front of the kids. We want AJ to grow up seeing our affection for each other, even when she gets to be a teenager and pretends it grosses her out.
  

• Get on the same page as parents. Being that I have one five month old, my experience with this is next to nothing so far. Still, I try to run whatever few decisions we need to make by David, even if I know he's going to default to me about most things at this stage. I think it gets us used to talking about stuff and reaching conclusions together before we implement a plan.
  

• Keep pictures of just the two of you around the house. Since AJ is so much cuter than we are, I was tempted to take down all the pictures of David and I and put her cute baby self up everywhere. Of course I replaced quite a few, but I still want her to grow up seeing that Mommy and Daddy were Husband and Wife first who had exciting adventures together. As the comedian Sinbad said "Your parents used to be cool. Then they had you!" She needs to see photographic evidence that we did have lives before she came along!

• Remember the kids will (hopefully) move out eventually. When you're up to your elbows in...ah-hem...poop and you're nursing seven times a day, it feels like you're never going to be finished with this stage of life. But, from what everyone tells me, it goes by so fast. One day the kids will be grown and gone and it will just be you and your spouse left. Therefore, it's really important to do all that you can to ensure that you still know and like that person.

• Spend time in God's Word. I confess, I'm horrible at this right now. But, I know from experience that the better my relationship is with God, the better it is with David.
  

• Laugh together. Have a sense of humor. Don't take it all so seriously. One of greatest things about parenting so far has been all of the hilarious inside jokes David and I have accumulated. We have laughed until we cried (probably because of the exhaustion) over the past few months and it's amazing how close that makes us feel to each other. Not to mention the stress it relieves!
  

I want to reiterate that I'm no expert. I cannot tell you how many times I've already screwed this up. Unfortunately, I know it's going to be an ongoing battle. I think a big key is to be aware of where your marriage stands on your list of priorities and whether that is where it needs to be. I happen to know a little rhyme that can help you with that... :)

Please feel free to comment or email me with things you do to try to keep your marriage first. Especially those of you who have a little more experience to offer!