New Mercies Each Morning

Yesterday was a tough day.  I knew it wasn't going to go well when I woke up at 6am having gotten only 4 1/2 hours sleep the night before (Audrey woke me up coughing and then I couldn't get back to sleep for various reasons.)  I somehow managed to trudge through my major responsibilities and errands for the day:  getting AJ off to school, feeding and taking care of Luke, running by the bank, making some returns, doing chores back at home, knocking out an extra long work to-do list, cooking dinner, etc.  I even squeezed in some play time outside with the kids and cut, stuffed, and addressed Luke's birthday party invitations.  

All in all, it wasn't an awful day, just one of those that requires a heck of a lot of effort to simply get through.  Everything feels like a battle either with your independence-exerting two year old or your own inner two year old.  As I sank into my pillow last night expecting to feel relieved, I felt guilty about the way I'd handled a lot of different situations, especially with Luke.  I don't often wrestle with that kind or level of guilt.  Not because I get it right all the time, by ANY means, but because a) I know that is not from God  b) I'm learning that feeling that way is such a waste of time and c) I rarely get it as wrong as I had yesterday in so many arenas.  It was one of those "I'm never gonna be enough" moments I blogged about in this post.  

I'd yelled at Luke for - get this - yelling at me, I'd been impatient and sarcastic with both kids, I'd worked on stuff for my job long after I knew I needed to stop and focus on my family, I had brushed off their excited stories with brief "uh-huhs", I'd given in when I should've been consistent and dug in when I should've cut slack, I'd short changed text and social media interactions with family and friends...the list could go on and on.  I asked God for forgiveness and begged for a restful night's sleep as I drifted off.

This morning the alarm went off signaling it was time for my morning run.  As I opened the garage door to the dark, chilly air, I began to pray again.  Not only was the guilt still hanging over me, but I realized how long I'd been at this parenting little ones thing and how much longer I had in these pre-elementary school trenches (coupled with the panicked "it's going SO fast!" inner voice)  How many more times was  I going to get it wrong?!  The number I estimated (1,000,000,000,000) was almost a physical heaviness as I started to jog the boringly familiar roads.  I realized that lately I've felt the monotonous weight bearing down a little more uncomfortably than usual.

I turned up a new podcast I've recently discovered called "God Centered Mom" and listened to two women discuss how to parent with grace.  As their words entered my ears and my sleepy brain, I tried to focus.  While they were talking, God whispered His words of grace in my ear:  "Just try again.  Today is a new day.  I've called you to do this and I will equip you - sometimes in advance and sometimes minute by minute."  As I put one foot in front of the other and watched the miles add up on my running app, I realized that was all God was asking me to do.  Not to panic about the time I had left (whether it felt like an eternity as it had the day before or like a blink as it often does when I look back).  Just to put one foot in front of the other and keep receiving His grace and extending it to others AND myself.  

I ran up the last hill towards our house feeling lighter and thankful.  I walked into the kitchen to two kids and a husband who were excited to see me, despite all my faults.  After catching my breath, I sat down and apologized to them for several things I'd done wrong the day before.  They forgave me immediately and we went about our morning routine.  As I drove Audrey to school, I brought up the Lamentations verse about God's mercies being new each morning.  We talked about what that meant and how amazing it is that we don't "burn through" all of our chances.  I also shared how great it was that even though God IS perfect, He knows we aren't and doesn't expect us to try and achieve that impossible feat.   

Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of days on this journey when it's about more than "just getting though" or simply persevering.  But, frankly, there are a number of them in this stage of life where that is exactly what you have to do...put one foot in front of the other and just survive until bedtime.  The amazing, joyous news is that whichever kind of day I've had, His mercies are new each morning.  THANK YOU, LORD!

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness."  Lamentations 3:22-23