Misaligned Priorities

In an effort to avoid becoming overcommitted and over-scheduled,  I've had to learn to say "no" quite often.  I've become fairly decent at it over the last few years.  (Though admittedly I'm less proficient in the area of not caring who cares, but I'm getting better.)  I guard our family's calendar pretty fiercely and make sure we have plenty of down time and time for each other.  There is a fine line between living life to the fullest and living a too-full life, and it's one that I attempt to walk very carefully.  (Quick, somebody hand letter that onto a pretty floral background.)

However... 

Even when you make the choices that are only in line with your "best yes" and learn to say no to all of the other junk, there are times in life that are going to be just plain crazy (hello adulthood.)  A few months back I had a lot of balls in the air.  The Timber Trek was in full swing, I was planning my in-laws' 60th birthday party, room mom responsibilities were coming at me from both schools, and dear ones near me were requiring serious emotional support.  On top of that, the house stuff just seemed to keep piling up.  ("HOW do you people wear so many clothes and WHY do you need to eat ALL THE TIME?!")  I was overwhelmed and sinking fast.  

It came to a head one afternoon Audrey and Luke were playing and he did something he shouldn't have.  I called him into the kitchen and laid into him louder and more harshly than was necessary.  I don't even remember what he did, but I know my reaction didn't fit the crime.   His eyes welled with tears and I immediately thought, "I am failing.  I am failing miserably at this."  I calmed down and doled out time-outs for both of us.  As I tried to figure out what to do next, a realization came to me:  If I mess this up, nothing else matters.  If I succeed at everything else I'm responsible for but drop the ball with my family, we all lose.  

Ouch.

I read an article a few weeks ago that railed against the "constant sexist message women are sent: your 'job' will never be as important as your role as a mother — and if you try to do both you will always be failing."    

My blood boiled as I read the lies on the screen in front of me again.  Newsflash:  Your job WON'T ever be as important as your role as a mother.  Neither will any other parent's...male or female, Small Business Owner or POTUS.  Aside from your relationship with Christ, familial relationships are everything and should be treated accordingly.  

Let me be clear:  This is not about stay at home moms vs. working moms.  As was evident to me that afternoon (and a hundred others before it), it's possible for SAHMs to miss the boat. Just because we're there doesn't mean we're truly present and getting it right...oh lawd, it does not mean that.   And I'm also not talking about perfection nor the need to be 100% accessible to your family 100% of the time.  Balls will be dropped.  Family members are going to get short-changed during busy seasons.  Kids need to know your entire universe doesn't revolve around them.  We have to step up for each other and share the load.  But if it's too much for too long, something is broken.  

I wrote in this post two years ago, "Perfect balance doesn't exist, so the scale should always tip to the side that has your heart."  That afternoon I realized I was way off balance.  It wasn't a self-imposed guilt trip that I lamented over.  Instead it was actually a quiet, gentle reminder that my priorities had gotten misaligned.  Instead of letting it wash over me in a wave of discouragement, I took it as clarifying, freeing truth.  If I will run my next steps through the filter of correctly aligned priorities, what I need to do becomes crystal clear.  At that very moment, it was about asking my four year old for forgiveness and grace.  

The busyness remained constant over the next few weeks, but God shifted my attitude. Another message came to mind that I clung to:  if my kids see me serving others with a bad attitude and constantly doing so at their expense, what good is that example?  They need to know they matter and I need to remember to let go of what doesn't and hold on tight to who does.

Thankful Thursday...and a guilt-ridden rant

I cannot believe it's time for a Thankful Thursday post again. This week, as with the several before it, has been a bit of a blur. Somehow, between the visitors, nursing sessions, diaper changes, and loads of laundry, the time has flown by. I'm hoping to do a "typical day" post sometime soon so that in the future I can look back and remember how I spent these early weeks.

Until then and before my list, I have a confession. I have already fallen victim to the mostly guilt-ridden trap of comparison-parenting. As I am a relatively new parent, this is a relatively new experience for me. However, I am 100% certain that it will become a demon I battle for the rest of my life.

Comparison-parenting is self-explanatory, but let me explain. It is an occurance whereby you look around at other parents, both people you know and total strangers, and size up their skills as a guardian vs. your own. What I've discovered is that it's very easy to come out on top when comparing yourself to total strangers. Of course you're doing better than the mother who is talking on her cell phone while her kid is screaming and throwing a fit in Target. Nevermind that my child is three weeks old and can't talk yet, let alone throw fits. Nevermind that her kid may have been an angel all day, but is now exhausted and finally broke down. Nevermind that that poor woman may be on the phone with her church, trying to schedule a time when she can volunteer to help the poor. Or, better yet, when she AND her child can stop by to drop off their Target purchases to a needy family, therefore teaching her child about giving to the less fortunate.

Of course this scenario isn't likely. It's more likely that she's just having a crappy parent moment. And hopefully that's all it is...a moment. Hopefully, for the sake of all of our children who may one day be in school with her child, it was just a bad moment for both of them. So, I try not to look too indignant as I push my buggy past them and move on to find an advanced-age book for my genius baby.

The other side to the comparison-parenting coin is far worse...for me, at least. It's the side where I come out as the bad guy. This has been the case a lot more frequently lately:

• Why haven't I been able to get out more? (Even though we try to make it out somewhere once a day on the days we don't have visitors, I still feel like I should be able to do MORE by this point.) So-and-so has already been to France and back with her one month old.
• Why can't I make it through an entire 30 minute feeding without running out of educational things to talk to Audrey about? So-and-so's kid was reciting Shakespeare at the age of 3 because she would read it to him while she was nursing.
• Why am I not eating more fruits and vegetables? So-and-so is the picture of perfect nutrition. She was even quoted as an expert in Parenting Magazine.
• Why am I not okay with leaving Audrey with anyone but David yet? So-and-so already has three regular babysitters. Who each have early childhood education degrees and are infant CPR certified, of course.
• Why doesn't anything in my closet fit? So-and-so wore her pre-pregnancy jeans home from the hospital. (And by the way, I totally called THIS so-and-so a bad name behind her back.)
• Why can't I leave the television off more? (For the record, I never let AJ face towards it. I just mean when David and I watch it.) So-and-so removed all of the tv's in their house the day they brought their child home and only allowed classical music to be played on the radio.
• Why am I not taking more pictures and video? So-and-so had their foyer wallpapered out of all the photos they took of their baby.

These cases are obviously exaggerated. But, even so, I'm probably just catching them in good parenting moments. But I still have times during the day that I feel like crap. And I realize these moments are never going to go away. They'll just turn into bigger, crappier feeling moments as Audrey gets older. So what's a mom to do? Well, I don't know yet. I'm still working on it. I have figured out it helps to focus on the things I feel that I'm getting right. For instance:

• I have managed to keep Audrey alive so far. Clearly the #1 good thing.
• I talk to her A LOT. I sing the alphabet song at least ten times a day, we read plenty of books, and I explain what I'm doing just about all day, every day since "they" say this is one of the best ways to educate your newborn. I annoy myself sometimes.
• I shut-up and let her explore her world in peace and quiet too.
• I take my vitamins religiously to make up for my slacker diet.
• I haven't missed paying a bill yet. This makes me a good mom because I consider running water and a roof over our head necessities for raising a child.
• I pray for her and about her.
• I feed, bathe, and clothe the child. Okay, so we leave her in just a diaper a lot. But I do feed and bathe her.
• I pick her up and hold her, and not just when she is crying or eating. Sometimes I do it just because I want to stare at her and admire God's workmanship.
• I have showered and brushed my teeth daily since she was born. This makes me a good mother because I don't subject her to bad B.O. and I'm leading by example with good hygiene habits.
• I refuse to talk on the cell phone while driving with her in the car. I realize this will probably end, but I'm proud of it so far.
• I love her Daddy tremendously and, amazingly, I haven't driven him away with my hormonal insanity yet. I haven't even cursed at him. Don't get me wrong...I've snapped at him and uttered passive-aggressive comments, but there hasn't been any cursing. Yet.
• I love her. And she doesn't have to do a thing to earn it. I love her so much that I would lay down my life for her without thinking twice. So much so that I would seriously consider taking the life of anyone that ever intentionally, seriously harmed her. Much more than I ever thought possible.

So I'm doing a few things right. And as long as the ones on the "right" list are more important than the ones on the "wrong" list (because they won't always outnumber them), then we'll be just fine. But feel free to post any comparison-parenting stories of your own in the comment section or email them to me so I know I'm not the only crazy mommy!

Finally, my thankful Thursday list:

1. McDonald's Happy Meals. Perfect for an on-the-go Mommy who realizes at 2pm she hasn't eaten lunch yet. And yes, I know this directly relates to why nothing in my closet fits. At least I was using good portion judgement.

2. Close proximity to civilization. As I said before, we try to go somewhere everyday that we don't have visitors. It may be a quick trip up to Publix for milk or a run to Blockbuster, but it's out and I'm thankful we have so many choices close by!

3. Our DVR. Because we never know when we're going to get 45 minutes of uninterrupted television time.

4. My back pain slowly dissipating. Thanks for your prayers. It's feeling a lot better!

5. A God who loves me, despite both my real and perceived faults. And I'm thankful for His Word, specifically these verses I came across today: "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 9-10

I'll post more pictures either Saturday or Sunday. We've got more visits this weekend, so I'm going to hold off until then...

Have a great weekend!