Ramblings of a Pregnant Insomniac

It's 4:20am and for what seems to be the one millionth time this pregnancy, I find myself unable to sleep.  I remember going through this with Audrey's pregnancy, but not to this extent.  We're finally all able to breathe at night, she is sleeping soundly with no coughing, and my bladder is momentarily empty.  Yet here I am, wide awake.  Usually, however, my thoughts aren't as anxious as they are right now.  For the most part, I'm not worrying or even thinking about Luke necessarily.  I'm just awake.  Which has lead to some pretty productive things over the past few months.  You should see how much I already have done for Audrey's birthday party.  It's gonna be SO cute...but I digress.  :)


But tonight is different.  As I sit here with my mug of warm milk (which is disgusting, by the way, and about to be poured out), my mind is racing and my stomach is in knots.  I'm not sure if it's the labor and delivery DVD David and I have been watching lately to re-familiarize ourselves or the baby shower gifts that have taken over our family room or the sheer realization that I have 3-5 weeks left, but I'm suddenly a bundle of nerves.  



At this point, it's not about what's left to be done.  I could finish those tasks in about three days...or not at all...and things would still be okay.  It's more about what's coming that I can't control with excel spreadsheets, lists, and careful planning.


There's the freaking out about delivery:  When is he going to come?  Will we have time to get Audrey settled or be in a frantic rush?  Will I have to be induced?  Will it go fast or slow?  Safe or troubled?  Pain-free with drugs or hurt like hell?  


Then there are the questions about him and the moments and hours after delivery:  Will he be healthy?  What will he look like?  Will he be able to nurse?  Will I remember how to nurse?  Will I remember anything about holding and caring for a newborn?


Then there are the questions about settling in as a family of four:  How are we going to do this without screwing up either child or our marriage?  (There are about a dozen others in this category, but that one pretty much sums them all up.)


As a friend once told me, I know that what we're giving Audrey in having a sibling is worth way more than anything we're taking away from her attention or material-wise, but STILL.  
How is this gonna go?  And will we survive it?  And not just survive, because life is meant to be more than merely endured, but enjoy it?


Oy. 


So that's what's on my brain and in my knotted intestines at this late (early?) hour.  Just that our world is about to be flipped upside down.  Again.  And yes, it sure did turn out great the first time, but boy was it a lot of hard, exhausting work.  Are all three of us up to the challenge?  How long is it going to take before we hit a new normal?  Do I really have the patience, strength, and know-how for this?  Will I even come close?


Double Oy.  


I know there's nothing to be done but pray and trust.  And try to get some rest.  So before I attempt all three and then channel surf through horrible 5am programming, I'll conclude with these verses:


"This is my command - be strong and courageous!  Do not be afraid or discouraged.  For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9



"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."  Phil 4:6-8



I'm gonna try, Lord!  Prayers, please!