I have created excel spreadsheets and endless to-do lists to track these assignments, making it my full-time job. I have attacked them with all the intensity a pregnant OCD business major can muster, which was sometimes impressive and sometimes laughable. When people ask if I'm bored being at home, I try not to laugh uncontrollably, mainly because the ol' pregnant bladder ain't what it used to be. I usually shrug them off while thinking it would be nice to go back to work so I could catch a break!
I have steam-cleaned and washed and windexed and sorted and vacuumed and dry-cleaned. I have scrubbed and organized and dusted and disinfected. Of course, we've also enjoyed lots of lunches and dinners with friends. We had a great "Babymoon" in Hilton Head for a few days. There have been plenty of evening walks with just the two of us, time spent cooking dinner together, and even a couple of weekend afternoons spent by the pool. But, there has mainly been financial/estate planning and shopping and errand running and Goodwill trips galore. Etc. Etc. Etc. At times, I have astounded even David with these tasks, who has known me for over ten years and should be used to my insanity by now.
The truth is, a lot of the busy work has been a façade. It doesn't take a psychologist to figure out that most of what I've been doing is an attempt at avoidance. Sure, there has been a lot of hormonal nesting. And of course I want to be as prepared as possible because I know how busy our days are about to become. We really did need to get some financial stuff in order and clean out a few closets. And who has the time or energy to do that with a newborn? But did every window screen and sill need scrubbed or the mattress vacuumed? Did the recipes in the recipe box need to be rewritten and laminated or all of the throw pillows dryeled? (Stop laughing, I'm totally serious.) No, they probably did not.
The bottom line is that the busier I stay, the less time I have to think about the fact that our world is about to drastically change. I am a planner and a control-freak, so since I know I'm about to do very little of either, I chose to spend the last few months getting as much of our household under control as I possibly could.
Well, it ends here. I am making a commitment that in the time I have left before she arrives, I am going to be a total bum. Now, let me confess that I do have a just a few short errands to run and that I will do some touch-up cleaning this weekend. BUT, for the most part, the work is over. I am going to sleep in. If I can't sleep in, I'm going to at least lay in bed for awhile. I am going to watch an insane amount of mindless television. I am going to read books and magazines that don't have a single thing to do with babies or parenting. I will treat myself to a haircut and a pedicure. I will cut back on cooking and refuse to organize anything else. I will take afternoon naps. I will lay out by the pool for the twenty minutes that I can stand the heat. When David comes home, we will lounge and talk and read and play Rock Band and enjoy each other's company. We may even go out for ice cream one night. Or two nights.
I'm also commiting myself to spending a lot of time getting into the Word and praying. I'm learning that when it comes down to it, there really is very little you can do to prepare for parenthood. We've taken the classes and read the books, but at some point, you have to give it up and realize that you're about to receive an amazing blessing that ultimately does not belong to you. We'll be in charge of and accountable for Baby Girl, but we will not be able to protect her from everything and everyone. We will make mistakes. It's heartbreaking, but it's true. No matter how many excel spreadsheets I whip up, I will not be able to control everything.
So until her arrival, above all else, I am going to rest in the One who supplies all of my needs. The One that will supply all of Baby Girl's needs. I will pray for and read about His guidance, strength, and wisdom as we embark on this chaotic new journey. I am going to spend time enjoying His sweet grace and take time out to thank Him for all He has done and all He will continue to do.
Enough is enough. It's time to be still. It's in His hands now. In reality, it has always been in His hands...and that's a very good thing.
"'Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.' The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." Psalm 46:10-11
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